beautiful woman in the role of a slave on a leash

You & Your Porn

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The Reality of Porn

Watching internet porn is a reality in many people’s lives – for both men and women. A British  2012 sex census found that 41 per cent of women and 76 per cent of men admitted to watching porn once a month or more, and that 19 per cent of women and 58 per cent of men watched it once a week. Many more stated that they would prefer not to reveal their usage it so it would be fair to assume that the real numbers enjoying porn are even higher.

It should be noted that porn has no meaning in and of itself – it is those watching who give the content meaning. And people, lots of people enjoy the content, frequently watching as couples to enhance their sex lives.

Porn can and does create very unrealistic perceptions of men and women against which “ordinary” sex may get unfavourably compared. Perfect bodies, phenomenal stamina and endless orgasms are not things that most couples would feel able, or even want to aspire to at the end of a long hard day at the office or with the kids. Many couples will prefer tenderness and intimacy as the major contributor to good sex.However, for those using porn why can watching porn impact on a relationship?

A Chicken And Egg Conundrum

Difficulties seem to arise if/when one partner feels isolated and alone while their other half blithely carries on and ignores their partner’s feelings. Sometimes one partner fears that the use of porn leads to relationship withdrawal; or if one partner thinks of porn during sex and dissociates from their partner resulting in a potential lack of intimacy.

However another way of looking at this is that other factors, ( such as anxiety, physical pain, anger, shame, boring partner, fertility issues etc) can lead to withdrawal from a relationship which may then lead to porn use; or one or other factors lead to dissociating during sex and therefore the individual thinks of porn during sex.

To Talk Or Not To Talk?

So if you have found out that a partner is doing something that feels detrimental to you, can you talk directly about your concerns and have a clear expectation that you will be heard? If you can this might lead to change but even if that is not the result at least your other half knows how you think and feel.

However if you cannot talk directly, and you desperately want an explanation, or for something to just stop, you can get into seriously unhelpful arguments with accusations flying around which will achieve nothing.

So if you object to the porn your partner views before you confront them try to take a step back to think about your own reactions.

What Do You Really Think?

Perhaps you think it is disgusting and has no place in a relationship? Perhaps you don’t mind but feel excluded? Or do you suspect your sexual relationship isn’t satisfying your partner and they’ve decided to find out if porn is more of a turn on?

Perhaps your partner simply takes it for granted that you are fine with their porn use because you have never complained. If that’s the case then don’t rely on their mind reading skills –it doesn’t work; making time to talk about how you feel is the first step to clearing the air. Are you perhaps concerned by the time spent watching porn and are concerned that it impacts negatively on their everyday life and relationships?

Whatever your concerns you have to begin by talking.  Be clear about how you feel – vagueness causes more confusion and what needs to be said can get scrambled. It is important to listen carefully to what your partner is telling you too.

But what if you feel you can’t speak to them about it? What is it that might stop us from being honest with a partner about this or even anything else? Sometimes it is because we actually fear that our own opinion might be so different to our partner’s that by expressing it they may end up deserting us.

Consider also if you are in a relationship where you feel that you are never listened to or that your needs aren’t usually met, it is easy to get out of the habit of having any real expectation of change. This can quickly descend into a ‘what’s the point’ conversation and then of course nothing does change except that the sadness, anger and resentment just get bigger.

Porn is Personal

If it is not for you, say so. Any partner who doesn’t listen and still wants to indulge in heavy usage may not be the right partner for you. On the other hand  don’t necessarily exclude experimenting with it together either. As with anything to do with sex, agreeing how far you want to take things is a definite requirement in any healthy relationship, so don’t let anyone insist you look at or re-enact the things they want to if you are not comfortable.

If your partner humiliates you, calling you weird for not wanting to watch porn it might be best to give them a very wide berth because demeaning anyone in this manner is usually a very negative reflection of the person attempting to shame you.

So, go for it, be brave and state how you feel and what you want and expect from your partner. If you can create a positive dialogue together and you’re both game, a mild flirtation with porn may be just the thing to reignite the passion

 

Phone Christina on 0435 438 899

for a free 10 minute confidential talk.

arm in field_n

Implicit & Explicit Contracts

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 “Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you can find one at the end of your arm”

Audrey Hepburn

Contracts –  Both Implicit and Explicit.

All relationships are based on both explicit, open agreements and those that are suppressed and not normally discussed. Part of why you are with your partner is probably obvious to you – physical attraction, stability or excitement, sharing a sense of humour and so on.  Most people have a sense of what in the other person they are attracted to and why they chose to be with them. This is an Explicit Contract – it’s out in the open because both parties know it exists. : “I’m with you because you make me laugh and I enjoy your company and in return, I will tell you how funny you are and that makes you feel good”. Another example could be physical attraction – “You’re sexy and it makes me feel good to be with someone who is physically attractive or whom I find sexy. I tell you this and this makes you feel good”. Both people understand this is part of what the relationship is about and make an unspoken contract to by it.

However, what is more interesting is what has not been stated.  It is these Undisclosed Contracts that show up in stressful situations and which can reveal a lot about the unseen dynamics within a relationship.
A Hidden Contract for instance might emerge when one of you gets sick. If they are really ill, and unable to operate normally, the Explicit Contract might not be able to function normally – it’s not easy to be funny or sexy if you’re feeling dreadful.

So in this instance what might happen to the relational dynamics?  Perhaps your partner stops being “the provider” or “the strong one” and instead becomes a needy child, looking for mother to take care of them. It’s probable that this was part of the relationship dynamic all along but other things might have masked it. It is when normal patterns of relating get disrupted is when these Hidden Contacts will pop up.

What if you partner is no longer able to tell you how sexy you look or not able to make love to you? If part of your Hidden Contract is that you get your sexual sense of self-worth from you partner telling you how hot you are and suddenly they are not able to do that because of illness, how does that feel? What if they aren’t well enough to have sex with you? What happens to your sexual needs then? If part of your Hidden Contract is that you relied on them to make sex happen or to make you feel good about yourself, you may start to feel bad about yourself. You may blame your partner and get angry with them for getting sick.

However, when these hidden patterns show up, don’t despair. This is a beautiful opportunity to grow in your relationship and in yourself. Instead of relying on another to make you feel sexy, find the sexiness within yourself. Wear underwear that makes you feel good, maybe go and buy a new sex toy or explore erotic literature or other materials. Find the place within yourself that makes you feel good, and don’t rely on your partner for that sense of self-worth.

So, even though these Hidden Contracts can be uncomfortable when they are revealed, they are beautiful windows into a deeper way of relating. Explore them and you will move to even deeper ways of being with one another.

 

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Oral Sex – is it evolutionary?

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Going Down today in the USA.

Oral sex hasn’t always been acceptable to discuss in public. In 1997, the  Clinton – Lewinsky sex scandal shed light on the discrepancies that exist between oral sex and intercourse. The then 22-year-old White House intern kept in her possession a dress that still bore the semen stain that came from her giving oral sex to former President Clinton. Examination of both the semen sample and a sample of Clinton’s blood confirmed the semen came from the president.

However, Clinton denied allegations and recited the popular phrase: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” Meanwhile, in an interview with Barbara Walters, Lewinsky described her actions with Clinton as merely “fooling around.” Or, in other words, oral sex was just child’s play.

This scandal added to the misconception that oral sex is not real sex. Often young women are psychologically pressured into giving oral sex because they’re sold this story – that it isn’t really sex. Oral sex has evolved to be just as or even more common than vaginal sex among sexually active adults and teenagers, with it’s benefit of no pregnancy.

Historically oral sex, specifically fellatio, was seen as a social stigma, and was even considered a felony in 48 US states in 1950. However, it slowly evolved to become acceptable within marriages and known as an act more intimate than intercourse although it was not until the 1970s that oral sex was deemed socially permissible for unmarried couples to engage in.

So, how did humans come to adopt this sexual behavior?

The Uprising Of Oral Sex: The Animal Kingdom

Researchers have speculated oral sex has several evolutionary roots in heterosexual relationships.

After all, when it comes to sex, we are all animals, according to a relationship and sex psychologist Dr Walfish.“When you look at people having intercourse, it’s all about movement, noise, grunting, pleasure, speed, and losing oneself to orgasm as animals do.”

There is evidence that a type of chimpanzee called bonobos engages in fellatio, but this is infrequent and usually among the young. Because fellatio among bonobos is considered part of play, primatologists believe fellatio emerged as part of play rather than as part of sex since humans share up to 98% of their DNA with bonobos

The Evolution Of Fellatio,

A 2009 study observing fruit bats and their sexual behaviour suggests they exhibit similar human-like mannerisms when it comes to oral sex. The female fruit bat performs fellatio on the male to increase the duration of intercourse. This boosts the penis’ rigidity to make the erection last longer. At the same time, the female’s saliva may increase lubrication, according to the researchers, which prolongs sex.

Researchers theorize this effect has been transcended onto humans. Evolutionarily speaking, they believe fellatio will help a man’s erection last longer and improve thrusting during intercourse.  The extra arousal that fellatio can provide may be helpful in readying them for insertive sex — making the penis that much firmer, for instance.

Fellatio has also been linked to reducing the risk of sexually transmitted infections in male fruit bats. Saliva functions as an antibacterial and has antifungal, anti-chlamydial, and antiviral properties. After intercourse, fruit bats regularly lick their penises, which are believed to increase reproductive success and could provide an evolutionary explanation for fellatio in humans.

So, can oral sex also protect your offspring? Perhaps? Evolutionarily speaking, fellatio could have come about to ensure survival of the fittest via the birth of a healthy offspring.

The idea that “going down” on a man can help women prevent miscarriages sounds like fiction, but researchers suggest the science is real. A 2000 study found that with prolonged exposure to proteins in a mate’s semen a female’s immune system will acclimate to his sperm, as will a developing foetus. Women who regularly expose themselves to their partner’s semen, especially by mouth, help their immune system get used to the sperm.

In other words, because many of the “foreign” proteins in a woman’s immune system will come from the father’s genes in her body, her baby will be more likely to accept them with regular exposure. Typically, disorders during pregnancy stem from a woman’s immune system viewing a foetus as a “foreign body.” Although unconventional, swallowing semen could help carry pregnancies to full term, according to this study.

The Evolution Of Cunnilingus

Some hypothesise that, similar to fellatio, cunnilingus helps keep partners faithful. A 2013  study questioned 240 men in committed, sexual, heterosexual relationships to observe whether they perform oral sex to boost their female partners’ satisfaction with their relationship, thereby decreasing the probability she will cheat and potentially get pregnant by another man. The research showed that men who were most likely to report getting their partner to orgasm during oral sex were more likely to think their woman was sought after by other men. According to this study men are more eager to please partners who they believe have better options and thus may perform cunnilingus to keep their mates from cheating. Also cunnilingus before intercourse can improve the experience of intercourse for women, if it increases the degree of arousal she feels, which in turn will often make the difference between boring or even unpleasant intercourse and satisfying intercourse.

Oral Sex: What’s Your Pleasure?

The evolutionary roots of cunnilingus and fellatio are open to interpretation, however, engaging in oral sex is a way to stay connected to your partner. It’s often considered very intimate, even more so than penetration.  The act is purely selfless because you give while receiving nothing in return. This shows you care about your partner and their needs, not just your own.

Perhaps oral sex doesn’t have an evolutionary purpose, or perhaps it does, but one thing that’s clear — once you relax and let go, you only have more pleasure to gain, and less to lose

Courtesy of  Medical Daily USA May 2016

http://www.medicaldaily.com/oral-sex-going-down-evolutionary-roots-386318

Fashion shoot Sexy blond stylish girl looking at camera. Two men in black suite standing on the background

Infidelity- Renegotiating The Contract

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We in the Western world tend to enter relationships with bankers, landlords, employers having looked at, and agreed to, a contract that is “a voluntary arrangement between two or more parties that is enforceable at law as a binding legal agreement”.

However, we enter a form of relationship contract with our Other and assume, naively, that there will be commitment, love, trust and individuality in the relationship, YET the contract is rarely negotiated?

In fact most of us enter relationships without ever considering the intrapsychic conflicts that exist. We strongly desire intimacy yet want our autonomy; we want to be known by the Other and yet fear being really known; we want novelty in our sexual relations and yet we yearn for predictability.

Our unconscious sometimes finds a way to overcome these conflicts by infidelity or sexual betrayal. (Other more socially approved ways might be overworking, depression, overly enmeshed with parents/children, obsessive money making,etc).

There are different infidelities and they all impact.

The so called ‘emotional affairs’ where there is no sexual consummation doesn’t mean that there isn’t eroticism; it may also reveal the emptiness in the relationship, or the desire to feel attractive; however it also leaves the partner not understanding and feeling on the outer. This ‘affair’ almost always reveals truths that neither partner wants revealed.

The Internet can easily separate and isolate partners. There is the potential for an Internet erotic connection without acknowledging a violation of the ‘assumed contract’. Online ‘affairs’ betray or push away the other partner and can leave them feeling misunderstood.

Following an infidelity, when one partner usually feels betrayed, negotiating a true contract, whilst tedious and painful, may be a part of resolving an affair. It is critical to want to recover from the betrayal – and even this may take time.

For the ‘ betrayed’ there are still responsibilities. You are not entitled to revenge nor punishment. It is not OK to tell the kids, or the neighbourhood, nor is it OK to damage property, have a ‘revenge’ affair, harm the partner’s career or harm oneself.

For the ‘betrayer’ is there intended change and if so how, why, when and what? The betrayer is not required to divulge everything! They do require empathy, an acceptance of reality, and an allowance of time for the betrayed– particularly around sex.

In the contract what do you both, as betrayer and betrayed want in your renegotiated contract? In this you both need to be really honest or you are planting seeds for future dissatisfaction and alienation. Does one or both of you want to reconcile? Under what conditions? Is sex going to differ? Is there a joint vision of the future relationship? If you want to change how are you both going to create it? Why are you staying together?
You both need to own your contract.

 

If you would like to talk confidentially to Christina

for a FREE 15 minute consultation phone 0435 438 899

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What Gets Talked About In Sex Therapy?

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We Have Mis-Matched Sexual Desires

The most commonly reported problem in sex therapy is called ‘desire discrepancy’: one partner wants sex more often than the other and in a more erotic way. In the beginning of a relationship, the higher desire partner probably kept the erotic energy going in the marriage and it was fun and sexy. After a while, if you’re the lower sex-drive partner, it can feel annoying and even manipulative to have a partner who is constantly looking for sex when you aren’t.  Sometimes it’s just because the sex isn’t that great; working on discovering the kind of sex both partners want can improve the performance and eroticism of their sex life. Or it could be that there’s tension and frustration in the relationship and it’s leaking over into the erotic part of the relationship. If that’s the case, it’s a hard climb over that kind of resentment in bed. But talking about what’s bothering you can actually bring you closer and make you more inclined to want to make love.

I Can’t Orgasm The “REAL WAY”

Women sometimes tell me they wish they could climax the ‘real’ way — through intercourse. The clitoris, however, not the vagina is the centre of sexual and pleasure nerve endings. In fact, only about 15-20 percent of all women can climax during sexual intercourse and even then they require lots of vibration, manual or oral stimulation to get them close. For those who still want to try likely positions, I recommend two with good G-spot-penile contact: Either woman-on-top at a 45 degree angle or woman-lying-on-her back on a relatively firm surface with her hips rocked up (for instance, with her knees hooked around his elbows).

Performance Issues

When a man is in a relationship, the most common performance problems are premature ejaculation (PE) and erectile dysfunction (ED). In both instances,​ ​the men end up with strong​performance anxiety which can cause them to avoid sex and intimacy. Women whose partners are dealing with ED may feel insecure that their partners are no longer attracted to or desirous of them.  To move beyond performance anxiety, men need to focus on their own bodies and pleasure and worry a little less about their partners. Learning to focus on pleasure, relaxing your body and your breath and letting yourself enjoy the experience help tremendously. If you are his partner, it’s essential not to take it personally and to be gentle with him. Supportive partners who do not require that their partners function perfectly all the time have the best chance of resolving these issues.

I Want To Spice Up Our Sex Life But My Partner Isn’t Interested

People frequently tell me they want more variety in the bedroom. As time goes on, partners may express more desire for novelty or feel more comfortable letting their partner know they have certain activities they want to explore. While one partner might enjoy getting a few slaps on the behind or experimenting with anal play, the other may not want to try. A sex therapist’s responsibility is to assess and possibly promote openness to change and reveal the underlying tensions that the couple may not be discussing initially.

Before Baby Sex

Couples seek sex therapy soon after having babies, sometimes because the woman feels too loose and says she can’t feel him inside her.  Kegel exercises with twenty reps three times a day can improve the muscles in the pelvic floor. If she wants quicker results, there are medical devices such as the Apex which inflates to fit and does your Kegel exercises for you through gentle electric stimulation. Of course there is more to satisfying sex than just intercourse, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex and incorporating sex toys into their sexual pleasure

I Have A Lower Sex Drive Than My Wife

I frequently see couples where the man is confused about why he doesn’t want to have sex and the woman is the frustrated one. Without a clear answer, I end up asking a ton of questions trying to decipher why. If it’s because he feels too dependent or too close to his partner, distancing is the goal.  Most commonly, men complain to me about not getting the loving contact they want. He may feel she goes through the motions, treats sex like a chore, or just lies there when he wants more love, contact, emotion and presence. Women sometimes make the mistake of thinking their partners are just trying to satisfy a biological need and treat sex in a perfunctory manner, to ‘please’ the guy. But this shuts men down; they want more passion than that. I remind couples that passion requires engagement, expression, eye contact and trying to really feel. It’s more than touch.

I Have A Lower Sex Drive Than My Husband

Many women tell us that they either have never felt much desire or their desire has dropped considerably over the course of their life or relationship. There can be many underlying reasons why women are experiencing low desire. They might have had a lot of negative learning in their lives telling them that they were not supposed to want sex, they might not have been able to express their main fantasies or changing sexual desires to their partner or they might be feeling emotionally disconnected. This problem can often lead to sexless marriages or relationships. In the case of low desire, women need to get back in touch with their bodies and learn to ask for what they want. It can take time to address and requires patience, understanding and a willingness to learn on the part of their partner

My Partner Is Ill But We Want To Maintain Our Physical Connection

Couples often need help when one of them gets sick. For instance, a cancer patient might feel too broken or undesirable for sex, while their partner feels helpless. I encourage them to do different kinds of touching such as cuddling, massaging with feather light strokes, kissing and even just holding hands regularly. Bathing together can also be a healing experience that helps reduce strain on joints, relax muscles and increase blood flow. For something more sexual, if the person is sick feels self-conscious or insecure, I recommend he or she blindfold their partner and make love to them so they feel less self-conscious.

Stuck In A Sexless Relationship

Oftentimes a low sex or no sex marriage happens when a couple finds themselves in a rut of distraction or avoidance. They are distracted by work, by young kids or the business of everyday life. Whoever was the traditional initiator of sex stops initiating. The non-initiating partner waits, hoping things will get back to ‘normal.’  To get out of a low sex or no sex rut, talk to your partner. Throw out some ideas that you are wondering’ about — for instance, ‘I am wondering if we are both so tired at night that we should try for morning sex?’ Keeping your statements vague and phrasing them as ‘wonderings’ takes the pressure off and makes whatever sexual issue you’re avoiding easier to talk about. The truth is, it’s not your fault or theirs. Your sex life belongs to both of you.

 

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Phone Christina On 0435 438 899

 

 

 

 

Courtesy of some great USA sex therapists.

Addiction way out problem sign. Prevention and cure addiction problem concept.

Is sex addiction really an addiction??

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Sex Addiction is in the news.

In recent years sex addiction has found itself in the spotlight in the media and pop culture.

Tiger Woods’ 2010 sex scandal culminated in an admission to struggling with sex addiction. Many films in the last 15 years have centered on sexual compulsiveness and addiction. Movies such as “I Am a Sex Addict,” “Shame” and “Thanks for Sharing” depict darkly comic protagonists who pursue prostitutes, infidelity and secret masturbation sessions.

Even Netflix has joined in with the recent release of romantic comedy series “Love.” Tthe series follows the protagonist Mickey as she struggles with various addictions — ranging from narcotics and alcohol to love and sex. Mickey even attends SLAA: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Despite sex addiction’s entrance into popular culture, this particular pathology remains controversial among psychologists and professionals in the medical community. Following Patrick Carnes’ 1983 publication of “Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction,” experts began working to devise therapies and many treatment centers opened their doors to struggling sex addicts.

 

Sex Addiction is not a pathology.

Although plenty of people seek help for love and sex addiction, no such diagnosis exists in the Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, (DSM) which is used by psychologists and psychiatrists to make diagnoses and prescribe treatments. During their most recent update of the DSM to its fifth version, the American Psychiatric Association — due to insufficient peer review — rejected two independent proposals for inclusion of “hypsersexuality,” the preferred terminology for many experts.

Those diagnosed by certified sex addiction therapists report sexual compulsions that they are unable to control despite negative consequences. Sex addicts may obsessively view pornography, even in inappropriate situations where they are likely to get in trouble, for example at work. They may be incapable of resisting sexual opportunities, masturbation and engage in sex for pay activities whether it is over the phone, online or in person.

As these behaviours progress, the person may feel a “high” that acts as an escape from problems or emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, the consequences of guilt, embarrassment or ruined relationships only serve to facilitate increases in disorderly sexual behaviour, and the vicious cycle continues.

Is there Love Addiction?

Love addicts, on the other hand, find themselves intoxicated by seduction, the initially overwhelming infatuation of the “honeymoon phase” in relationships and lust. Individuals identifying as love addicts may exhibit destructive patterns throughout intense, painful, insecure or co-dependent relationships. Once the rush of a new connection dissipates, they may grow bored and seek new relationships. These unsuccessful relationships often recreate themselves as the love addict struggles to create lasting feelings of attachment.

Experts explain the phenomenon of sex and love addiction by reinforcement of intimate behaviours with positive chemical reactions in the brain. When lovers have sexual encounters, hold each other or even share emotional intimacies, the brain responds by flooding the body with oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins. Oxytocin — the “cuddle chemical” — reinforces trust, dopamine creates positive feelings in our reward and pleasure centres and endorphins create a rush of excitement and satisfaction. Treatment for love and sex addiction includes a 12-step program, cognitive-behavioural therapy, SLAA meetings, group therapy and inpatient or outpatient programs.

Various behaviours apart from sex and love — breastfeeding, exercising and even eating chocolate — also release these chemicals into the bloodstream. The simple fact is that any activity associated with these happy neurotransmitters has the potential to become addictive, since they create powerful reinforcements for behaviour. Sceptics of sex and love addiction argue that these risky behaviours likely stem from related but more legitimized disorders, such as bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder or dopamine deficiencies.

Culture often shames people who struggle with sexual impulse control by labeling them “promiscuous” or simply incapable of commitment. But if one struggles with sexual compulsions, help should be sought. Regardless of whether or not sexual addiction should be characterized as a legitimate disorder, there is no disgrace in seeking assistance to create healthier, happier relationships. Find a sex-positive therapist and fight to erase stigmas surrounding mental health issues, especially those surrounding sex.

If you would like to talk confidentially for 15 minutes free

please phone Christina on 0435 438 899

 

Courtesy of Badger Herald

Gone were the days of emotional restraint.

Women do want sex

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Women want sex for the sake of sex just as much as men, it’s just that they mostly don’t allow themselves to admit it. When they do, both men and women will be able to be more honest with one another and enjoy sex more!

Women are naturally sexual beings.

Allowing women to give themselves permission to be the fully sexual beings that they naturally are is a large part of the work as a sex therapist that I do.

It arises from the suppressed  nature of our male dominated society and it is one of the most important pieces of work a sex therapist can do with someone who has sexual issues.

In subtle and not so subtle ways our culture still tells us repeatedly  that women are allowed to be “sexy” – that is that they are permitted to evoke sexual desire (usually by looking a certain way which conforms with our society’s idea of idealised youth-centric beauty).

Meanwhile, men are given permission to be “sexual” – that is to act out their sexual impulses and to express them. This is seen so clearly not only in pornography but in the media imagery around women and their bodies.

Women’s internalised beliefs about sex

The sad thing is that men have done such a great job of suppressing female sexuality that most women have internalised the belief themselves. What, you may cry, not I! But ask yourself, do you really allow yourself to access your full desires? Do you dare to admit to yourself what you truly long for?

This denial of female sexuality means that both men and women suffer. When a woman disowns her sexuality it is all too common to project that out onto others. Sexually active women become sluts and men become “only interested in one thing” or labelled as lewd, base, sex obsessed perverts or, at worst, potential abusers.

Giving yourself permission to enjoy sex

One of the reasons for the success of 50 Shades is, I suspect, that it gives women permission to get in touch with some of those long suppressed desires. It is only a relatively recent myth that men want sex more than women. Until 200 years ago, it was believed that women needed to orgasm in order to get pregnant. Sadly modern science in the 19th century disapproved that wonderful idea and with it the importance of female sexual pleasure declined and women’s pleasure assumed a less important role.

My experience is that when a woman truly gets in touch with her desire, it is stronger than in most men. As a man, unless you’re trained in Taoist or tantric practices of retaining your ejaculation (or you’re 20 years old) once guys have ejaculated that’s usually them done for a bit. Women on the other hand, have the potential to have as many orgasms as they can handle.

This high libido caused men to fear the infidelity of their women and hence encourage the suppression of female sexuality. Most women have bought into this by believing that suppressing their desires to fit in a monogamous relationship is a fair trade for the supposed security it offers. Yet studies show that the numbers of women cheating in relationships is roughly the same as men.
The idea that women want emotional connection and men want physical sex is also a myth.

For a confidential FREE 10 minute

chat phone Christina on 0435 438 899

 

sensual and sexual red lips

Sensual AND sexual energies create the X Factor

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Fast or slow sex?

Our whole culture tells us that we should do more, do it faster, do it now – not just in sex but also in everything we do. All these messages may lead us to feel that we should speed up and that packing in more experiences, more work, more play is good. In sex the opposite is more often true.

Instead of speeding up we would suggest that you would benefit much more from slowing down. Fast sex has a certain type of energy that can feel delicious on some occasions but overall we have found that slowing things down leads to much deeper and more authentic sex.

If we focus on speeding up sex we are in effect getting it over with as fast as possible. It is a strange contradiction about sex that whilst many people spend a huge amount of their time thinking about sex, when they are in a sexual experience most rush towards orgasm, which is actually the discharge of that sexual energy. It is as though they cannot wait to get rid of the sexual energy and stop feeling it in their system. The impulse of sexual desire seems for many people to move as fast as possible and therefore have sex end as soon as possible. This does not arise from the fact that these people are not enjoying sex, but rather because they feel unable to hold greater amounts of sexual energy.

The Build-up of Sexual Tension

You might imagine this as though a person’s sexual energy is like water. Imagine that the person has a container to hold their sexual energy. The container can only hold so much energy. Once it is full any extra energy would spill over and could not be contained. Most people only have a very small container for their sexual energy. If the energy they hold becomes more than they are used to, they may feel that it is “too much” and start to edit it or discharge it by having fast sex or by releasing the energy through orgasm and ejaculation, usually in the case of men.

Part of the process of learning to have more meaningful and authentic sex is to increase the size of your container. Size matters – but not the way portrayed in pornography. Do you know how you feel as you begin to allow more sexual energy into your system without rushing to discharge it? Again by being present with what is there in each moment you can become aware of more subtle sensations.

The tendency for most people is to chase orgasm and to get to that place as fast as possible. When we do this we feel the euphoric release of orgasm or ejaculation but if we have rushed to get there, the amount of pleasure we can feel will typically be small compared to what is possible. Imagine a balloon being filled with air. If we burst the balloon after a few breaths into it, when it bursts there will be a small pop. However if we fill the balloon to capacity before bursting it, there will be a satisfyingly large explosion since more pressure and tension has built up in the balloon.

The same is true of orgasm. The faster we reach orgasm, the less intense and satisfying it will be. By slowing down we give ourselves the possibility to increase the erotic tension and this will feel even more pleasurable when it is released. Building sexual energy slowly over time not only gives us more intense pleasure but also creates a heightened sense of anticipation.

The longer gratification is delayed the better it feels when we finally let ourselves go there. Long slow periods of bodily caress and foreplay build erotic tension. Focusing on the whole body and its pleasure moves the energy away from the genitals and incorporates the whole body into the experience of pleasure. Slowing down touch on the genitals themselves allows us to increase the erotic energy there before we let ourselves discharge it.

Slowing down not only increases the amount of erotic energy we are holding in our system but also gives us awareness of new and subtler levels of sexual feelings.

What is sex?

Sex is such a variety of activities, and the only thing they have in common is the energy that arises in us; the felt experience. As suggested, this energy can move from not being felt at all to a highly charged state. How does this happen? How do we create the flow of desire that allows us to experience sex as a process, happening over time? The clue is to look at the difference between sensual and sexual energy.

Sensual energy

Sensual energy refers to the experience arising from our senses; from smell, touch, taste, sound and a felt sense. Sensuality is a whole body experience in the sense that all body parts and all senses are able to experience pleasure, and a sensual experience is defined by creating a general sense of well-being. Because sensuality arises from the senses it is experienced in the moment, and it is an experience with no urge to ‘go anywhere’. This is why we can be sensual, ‘cuddly’ with our friends, pets and children, where sexual energy would be inappropriate. In relation to others, sensual energy is therefore first and foremost a connective energy. It brings us into embodied presence with the other, which creates a sense of well-being. Neurologically, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, which makes us feel relaxed, loving and open.

Sexual energy

Sexual energy is different. Although sexual energy can be felt in the whole body, it has a specific focal point that gives it a particular quality. This focal point is mainly felt and experienced in the genitals, and even though other body parts can be stimulated, the main focus keeps returning to the genitals. Also, it is innately charged with an increasing intensity. Sexual energy gives us the feeling that it wants to “go somewhere”; it wants to peak in the orgasm and discharge the energy. Compared to sensual energy as embodied presence, sexual energy therefore feels much more goal oriented. In essence it is a drive. It is the life force energy that wants to express itself. Connection and pleasure of the moment becomes secondary to this urge for the ultimate pleasure. It can feel like the energy itself is taking over. We surrender, ultimately, to the orgasm; and in that we surrender to something greater than ourselves.

Fulfilling sex

Fulfilling sex consists of an interplay between sensual and sexual energies. It is embodied presence with the other as well as life force energy wanting to express itself in the ultimate surrender. If we think that sex is about genital contact until we orgasm, we get trapped in a reductive idea of sex. This is very much the reductive focus of pornography. Ultimately this deprives us from the pleasure and energetic connection that is authentically experienced in the moment. By consisting of sensual and sexual energies, sex can be a full body, connective experience of flow. For this to happen we need to allow both sensual and sexual energies to arise and be expressed. Sensuality gives us the connectivity, and sexuality gives us the urge to surrender.

For a free 10minute phone consultation

please phone Christina on 0435 438 899

relationship therapy

Three BIG reasons to seek Relationship Therapy.

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  • Question: Do you think marriages naturally improve as you get further and further away from the honeymoon and have greater stress to contend with – particularly with ankle biters in the home?
  • Question: If your leg was infected, would you wait for gangrene to develop before seeking medical attention? And yet you might be putting off getting help with your relationship.
  • Question: How is your partner to know they need to shape up when in fact they think it is you who needs to learn how to do so? How is it that you are mature, smart and goal-oriented in other aspects of your life, yet when it comes to working to improve your own relationship, you are in denial? Would you treat your own diabetes? Fill your own tooth cavity?
  • Question: Why, then, would you hesitate before finding a couples therapist when you know in your heart that nothing is going to improve anytime soon without working on it?

The reality might be your relationship suffers some of the following ailments and they might just become terminal.

Relationship therapy can help with communication problems.

You are not talking or when you are its primarily negative.

Many even mature relationships have challenges which are simply challenges in communication. Relationship therapy can help facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling judged, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Negative communication also includes the tone of conversation because it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

When you’re afraid to talk.

It can be just too frightening to even bring issues up. This can be anything from sex to money, or even annoying little habits that are being blown out of proportion. Relationship therapy is designed to help a couple become clear about their issues and to help them understand what they are truly talking about.

You have nothing to talk about except the kids.

You go on a romantic night out and realise you don’t know about his work and don’t care. You don’t know what she talks about with her friends and don’t care. It’s so much effort to ask and pay attention that you might as well just talk about your child’s exposure to hand, foot and mouth disease at preschool. Might be time to make the call to a relationship therapist.

Relationship therapy can unravel some honesty issues.

When you keep secrets.

Each person in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you keep secrets from each other, something isn’t right.

When you contemplate (or are having) an affair.

Fantasising about an affair is a signal that you desire something different from what you currently have. While it is possible for a relationship to survive after one partner had an affair, it’s prudent to get some help before that happens. If both of you are committed to the therapy process and are being honest, the relationship may be salvaged. At the very least, you may both come to realize that it is healthier for both of you to move on.

When you are financially unfaithful.

Financial infidelity can be just as -– if not more -– damaging to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his or her spouse in the dark about spending or needs to control everything related to money, then the other should bring up the topic of family finances. It’s not unreasonable to say, “I want to better understand our monthly bills and budget, our debt, how many savings/checking/retirement accounts we have, etc.” If your partner objects, consult a professional to help work out the conflict.

Relationship therapy can assist you with your true feelings toward your partner.

You don’t respect your partner’s opinion.

In response to most things that they say, you roll your eyes, internally or outright. You genuinely think you are a better, more intelligent or have a more common sense approach, and you don’t take their opinion into consideration, probably never have if you’re honest with yourself. Or perhaps they feel and act this way about you.

You don’t feel attracted to your spouse.

Your partner looks relatively similar to when you met, but you feel no physical excitement or even a pleasant desire to touch them when they are around. You wonder if this is due to age, hormones changing, or the acid in your stomach that churns when you remember your list of resentments. It is probably that last one.

You love your partner, but something is just missing.

This is THE most difficult one. You don’t hate anything about your partner, but you don’t feel connected or close. You turn to best friends or your mum to share funny stories. You think about old boyfriends or girlfriends sometimes, or a lot. You know intellectually that your partner is a good person, but you’re Just Not Feeling It (either anymore, or sometimes you wonder if you ever did).

Most relationship and sex therapists know this simple fact- the sooner you seek out treatment, the faster you’ll feel better. It sounds obvious, but far too many people let their problems overwhelm them before getting help.

So why not take a relationship that is just okay and make it even better?
And work on the one that is not okay.

For a free 10 minute consultation
phone Christina on 0435 438 899