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You & Your Porn

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The Reality of Porn

Watching internet porn is a reality in many people’s lives – for both men and women. A British  2012 sex census found that 41 per cent of women and 76 per cent of men admitted to watching porn once a month or more, and that 19 per cent of women and 58 per cent of men watched it once a week. Many more stated that they would prefer not to reveal their usage it so it would be fair to assume that the real numbers enjoying porn are even higher.

It should be noted that porn has no meaning in and of itself – it is those watching who give the content meaning. And people, lots of people enjoy the content, frequently watching as couples to enhance their sex lives.

Porn can and does create very unrealistic perceptions of men and women against which “ordinary” sex may get unfavourably compared. Perfect bodies, phenomenal stamina and endless orgasms are not things that most couples would feel able, or even want to aspire to at the end of a long hard day at the office or with the kids. Many couples will prefer tenderness and intimacy as the major contributor to good sex.However, for those using porn why can watching porn impact on a relationship?

A Chicken And Egg Conundrum

Difficulties seem to arise if/when one partner feels isolated and alone while their other half blithely carries on and ignores their partner’s feelings. Sometimes one partner fears that the use of porn leads to relationship withdrawal; or if one partner thinks of porn during sex and dissociates from their partner resulting in a potential lack of intimacy.

However another way of looking at this is that other factors, ( such as anxiety, physical pain, anger, shame, boring partner, fertility issues etc) can lead to withdrawal from a relationship which may then lead to porn use; or one or other factors lead to dissociating during sex and therefore the individual thinks of porn during sex.

To Talk Or Not To Talk?

So if you have found out that a partner is doing something that feels detrimental to you, can you talk directly about your concerns and have a clear expectation that you will be heard? If you can this might lead to change but even if that is not the result at least your other half knows how you think and feel.

However if you cannot talk directly, and you desperately want an explanation, or for something to just stop, you can get into seriously unhelpful arguments with accusations flying around which will achieve nothing.

So if you object to the porn your partner views before you confront them try to take a step back to think about your own reactions.

What Do You Really Think?

Perhaps you think it is disgusting and has no place in a relationship? Perhaps you don’t mind but feel excluded? Or do you suspect your sexual relationship isn’t satisfying your partner and they’ve decided to find out if porn is more of a turn on?

Perhaps your partner simply takes it for granted that you are fine with their porn use because you have never complained. If that’s the case then don’t rely on their mind reading skills –it doesn’t work; making time to talk about how you feel is the first step to clearing the air. Are you perhaps concerned by the time spent watching porn and are concerned that it impacts negatively on their everyday life and relationships?

Whatever your concerns you have to begin by talking.  Be clear about how you feel – vagueness causes more confusion and what needs to be said can get scrambled. It is important to listen carefully to what your partner is telling you too.

But what if you feel you can’t speak to them about it? What is it that might stop us from being honest with a partner about this or even anything else? Sometimes it is because we actually fear that our own opinion might be so different to our partner’s that by expressing it they may end up deserting us.

Consider also if you are in a relationship where you feel that you are never listened to or that your needs aren’t usually met, it is easy to get out of the habit of having any real expectation of change. This can quickly descend into a ‘what’s the point’ conversation and then of course nothing does change except that the sadness, anger and resentment just get bigger.

Porn is Personal

If it is not for you, say so. Any partner who doesn’t listen and still wants to indulge in heavy usage may not be the right partner for you. On the other hand  don’t necessarily exclude experimenting with it together either. As with anything to do with sex, agreeing how far you want to take things is a definite requirement in any healthy relationship, so don’t let anyone insist you look at or re-enact the things they want to if you are not comfortable.

If your partner humiliates you, calling you weird for not wanting to watch porn it might be best to give them a very wide berth because demeaning anyone in this manner is usually a very negative reflection of the person attempting to shame you.

So, go for it, be brave and state how you feel and what you want and expect from your partner. If you can create a positive dialogue together and you’re both game, a mild flirtation with porn may be just the thing to reignite the passion

 

Phone Christina on 0435 438 899

for a free 10 minute confidential talk.

arm in field_n

Implicit & Explicit Contracts

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 “Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you can find one at the end of your arm”

Audrey Hepburn

Contracts –  Both Implicit and Explicit.

All relationships are based on both explicit, open agreements and those that are suppressed and not normally discussed. Part of why you are with your partner is probably obvious to you – physical attraction, stability or excitement, sharing a sense of humour and so on.  Most people have a sense of what in the other person they are attracted to and why they chose to be with them. This is an Explicit Contract – it’s out in the open because both parties know it exists. : “I’m with you because you make me laugh and I enjoy your company and in return, I will tell you how funny you are and that makes you feel good”. Another example could be physical attraction – “You’re sexy and it makes me feel good to be with someone who is physically attractive or whom I find sexy. I tell you this and this makes you feel good”. Both people understand this is part of what the relationship is about and make an unspoken contract to by it.

However, what is more interesting is what has not been stated.  It is these Undisclosed Contracts that show up in stressful situations and which can reveal a lot about the unseen dynamics within a relationship.
A Hidden Contract for instance might emerge when one of you gets sick. If they are really ill, and unable to operate normally, the Explicit Contract might not be able to function normally – it’s not easy to be funny or sexy if you’re feeling dreadful.

So in this instance what might happen to the relational dynamics?  Perhaps your partner stops being “the provider” or “the strong one” and instead becomes a needy child, looking for mother to take care of them. It’s probable that this was part of the relationship dynamic all along but other things might have masked it. It is when normal patterns of relating get disrupted is when these Hidden Contacts will pop up.

What if you partner is no longer able to tell you how sexy you look or not able to make love to you? If part of your Hidden Contract is that you get your sexual sense of self-worth from you partner telling you how hot you are and suddenly they are not able to do that because of illness, how does that feel? What if they aren’t well enough to have sex with you? What happens to your sexual needs then? If part of your Hidden Contract is that you relied on them to make sex happen or to make you feel good about yourself, you may start to feel bad about yourself. You may blame your partner and get angry with them for getting sick.

However, when these hidden patterns show up, don’t despair. This is a beautiful opportunity to grow in your relationship and in yourself. Instead of relying on another to make you feel sexy, find the sexiness within yourself. Wear underwear that makes you feel good, maybe go and buy a new sex toy or explore erotic literature or other materials. Find the place within yourself that makes you feel good, and don’t rely on your partner for that sense of self-worth.

So, even though these Hidden Contracts can be uncomfortable when they are revealed, they are beautiful windows into a deeper way of relating. Explore them and you will move to even deeper ways of being with one another.

 

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Infidelity- Renegotiating The Contract

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We in the Western world tend to enter relationships with bankers, landlords, employers having looked at, and agreed to, a contract that is “a voluntary arrangement between two or more parties that is enforceable at law as a binding legal agreement”.

However, we enter a form of relationship contract with our Other and assume, naively, that there will be commitment, love, trust and individuality in the relationship, YET the contract is rarely negotiated?

In fact most of us enter relationships without ever considering the intrapsychic conflicts that exist. We strongly desire intimacy yet want our autonomy; we want to be known by the Other and yet fear being really known; we want novelty in our sexual relations and yet we yearn for predictability.

Our unconscious sometimes finds a way to overcome these conflicts by infidelity or sexual betrayal. (Other more socially approved ways might be overworking, depression, overly enmeshed with parents/children, obsessive money making,etc).

There are different infidelities and they all impact.

The so called ‘emotional affairs’ where there is no sexual consummation doesn’t mean that there isn’t eroticism; it may also reveal the emptiness in the relationship, or the desire to feel attractive; however it also leaves the partner not understanding and feeling on the outer. This ‘affair’ almost always reveals truths that neither partner wants revealed.

The Internet can easily separate and isolate partners. There is the potential for an Internet erotic connection without acknowledging a violation of the ‘assumed contract’. Online ‘affairs’ betray or push away the other partner and can leave them feeling misunderstood.

Following an infidelity, when one partner usually feels betrayed, negotiating a true contract, whilst tedious and painful, may be a part of resolving an affair. It is critical to want to recover from the betrayal – and even this may take time.

For the ‘ betrayed’ there are still responsibilities. You are not entitled to revenge nor punishment. It is not OK to tell the kids, or the neighbourhood, nor is it OK to damage property, have a ‘revenge’ affair, harm the partner’s career or harm oneself.

For the ‘betrayer’ is there intended change and if so how, why, when and what? The betrayer is not required to divulge everything! They do require empathy, an acceptance of reality, and an allowance of time for the betrayed– particularly around sex.

In the contract what do you both, as betrayer and betrayed want in your renegotiated contract? In this you both need to be really honest or you are planting seeds for future dissatisfaction and alienation. Does one or both of you want to reconcile? Under what conditions? Is sex going to differ? Is there a joint vision of the future relationship? If you want to change how are you both going to create it? Why are you staying together?
You both need to own your contract.

 

If you would like to talk confidentially to Christina

for a FREE 15 minute consultation phone 0435 438 899

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What Gets Talked About In Sex Therapy?

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We Have Mis-Matched Sexual Desires

The most commonly reported problem in sex therapy is called ‘desire discrepancy’: one partner wants sex more often than the other and in a more erotic way. In the beginning of a relationship, the higher desire partner probably kept the erotic energy going in the marriage and it was fun and sexy. After a while, if you’re the lower sex-drive partner, it can feel annoying and even manipulative to have a partner who is constantly looking for sex when you aren’t.  Sometimes it’s just because the sex isn’t that great; working on discovering the kind of sex both partners want can improve the performance and eroticism of their sex life. Or it could be that there’s tension and frustration in the relationship and it’s leaking over into the erotic part of the relationship. If that’s the case, it’s a hard climb over that kind of resentment in bed. But talking about what’s bothering you can actually bring you closer and make you more inclined to want to make love.

I Can’t Orgasm The “REAL WAY”

Women sometimes tell me they wish they could climax the ‘real’ way — through intercourse. The clitoris, however, not the vagina is the centre of sexual and pleasure nerve endings. In fact, only about 15-20 percent of all women can climax during sexual intercourse and even then they require lots of vibration, manual or oral stimulation to get them close. For those who still want to try likely positions, I recommend two with good G-spot-penile contact: Either woman-on-top at a 45 degree angle or woman-lying-on-her back on a relatively firm surface with her hips rocked up (for instance, with her knees hooked around his elbows).

Performance Issues

When a man is in a relationship, the most common performance problems are premature ejaculation (PE) and erectile dysfunction (ED). In both instances,​ ​the men end up with strong​performance anxiety which can cause them to avoid sex and intimacy. Women whose partners are dealing with ED may feel insecure that their partners are no longer attracted to or desirous of them.  To move beyond performance anxiety, men need to focus on their own bodies and pleasure and worry a little less about their partners. Learning to focus on pleasure, relaxing your body and your breath and letting yourself enjoy the experience help tremendously. If you are his partner, it’s essential not to take it personally and to be gentle with him. Supportive partners who do not require that their partners function perfectly all the time have the best chance of resolving these issues.

I Want To Spice Up Our Sex Life But My Partner Isn’t Interested

People frequently tell me they want more variety in the bedroom. As time goes on, partners may express more desire for novelty or feel more comfortable letting their partner know they have certain activities they want to explore. While one partner might enjoy getting a few slaps on the behind or experimenting with anal play, the other may not want to try. A sex therapist’s responsibility is to assess and possibly promote openness to change and reveal the underlying tensions that the couple may not be discussing initially.

Before Baby Sex

Couples seek sex therapy soon after having babies, sometimes because the woman feels too loose and says she can’t feel him inside her.  Kegel exercises with twenty reps three times a day can improve the muscles in the pelvic floor. If she wants quicker results, there are medical devices such as the Apex which inflates to fit and does your Kegel exercises for you through gentle electric stimulation. Of course there is more to satisfying sex than just intercourse, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex and incorporating sex toys into their sexual pleasure

I Have A Lower Sex Drive Than My Wife

I frequently see couples where the man is confused about why he doesn’t want to have sex and the woman is the frustrated one. Without a clear answer, I end up asking a ton of questions trying to decipher why. If it’s because he feels too dependent or too close to his partner, distancing is the goal.  Most commonly, men complain to me about not getting the loving contact they want. He may feel she goes through the motions, treats sex like a chore, or just lies there when he wants more love, contact, emotion and presence. Women sometimes make the mistake of thinking their partners are just trying to satisfy a biological need and treat sex in a perfunctory manner, to ‘please’ the guy. But this shuts men down; they want more passion than that. I remind couples that passion requires engagement, expression, eye contact and trying to really feel. It’s more than touch.

I Have A Lower Sex Drive Than My Husband

Many women tell us that they either have never felt much desire or their desire has dropped considerably over the course of their life or relationship. There can be many underlying reasons why women are experiencing low desire. They might have had a lot of negative learning in their lives telling them that they were not supposed to want sex, they might not have been able to express their main fantasies or changing sexual desires to their partner or they might be feeling emotionally disconnected. This problem can often lead to sexless marriages or relationships. In the case of low desire, women need to get back in touch with their bodies and learn to ask for what they want. It can take time to address and requires patience, understanding and a willingness to learn on the part of their partner

My Partner Is Ill But We Want To Maintain Our Physical Connection

Couples often need help when one of them gets sick. For instance, a cancer patient might feel too broken or undesirable for sex, while their partner feels helpless. I encourage them to do different kinds of touching such as cuddling, massaging with feather light strokes, kissing and even just holding hands regularly. Bathing together can also be a healing experience that helps reduce strain on joints, relax muscles and increase blood flow. For something more sexual, if the person is sick feels self-conscious or insecure, I recommend he or she blindfold their partner and make love to them so they feel less self-conscious.

Stuck In A Sexless Relationship

Oftentimes a low sex or no sex marriage happens when a couple finds themselves in a rut of distraction or avoidance. They are distracted by work, by young kids or the business of everyday life. Whoever was the traditional initiator of sex stops initiating. The non-initiating partner waits, hoping things will get back to ‘normal.’  To get out of a low sex or no sex rut, talk to your partner. Throw out some ideas that you are wondering’ about — for instance, ‘I am wondering if we are both so tired at night that we should try for morning sex?’ Keeping your statements vague and phrasing them as ‘wonderings’ takes the pressure off and makes whatever sexual issue you’re avoiding easier to talk about. The truth is, it’s not your fault or theirs. Your sex life belongs to both of you.

 

For A 15 Minute Free

Phone Consultation

Phone Christina On 0435 438 899

 

 

 

 

Courtesy of some great USA sex therapists.

Addiction way out problem sign. Prevention and cure addiction problem concept.

Is sex addiction really an addiction??

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Sex Addiction is in the news.

In recent years sex addiction has found itself in the spotlight in the media and pop culture.

Tiger Woods’ 2010 sex scandal culminated in an admission to struggling with sex addiction. Many films in the last 15 years have centered on sexual compulsiveness and addiction. Movies such as “I Am a Sex Addict,” “Shame” and “Thanks for Sharing” depict darkly comic protagonists who pursue prostitutes, infidelity and secret masturbation sessions.

Even Netflix has joined in with the recent release of romantic comedy series “Love.” Tthe series follows the protagonist Mickey as she struggles with various addictions — ranging from narcotics and alcohol to love and sex. Mickey even attends SLAA: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Despite sex addiction’s entrance into popular culture, this particular pathology remains controversial among psychologists and professionals in the medical community. Following Patrick Carnes’ 1983 publication of “Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction,” experts began working to devise therapies and many treatment centers opened their doors to struggling sex addicts.

 

Sex Addiction is not a pathology.

Although plenty of people seek help for love and sex addiction, no such diagnosis exists in the Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, (DSM) which is used by psychologists and psychiatrists to make diagnoses and prescribe treatments. During their most recent update of the DSM to its fifth version, the American Psychiatric Association — due to insufficient peer review — rejected two independent proposals for inclusion of “hypsersexuality,” the preferred terminology for many experts.

Those diagnosed by certified sex addiction therapists report sexual compulsions that they are unable to control despite negative consequences. Sex addicts may obsessively view pornography, even in inappropriate situations where they are likely to get in trouble, for example at work. They may be incapable of resisting sexual opportunities, masturbation and engage in sex for pay activities whether it is over the phone, online or in person.

As these behaviours progress, the person may feel a “high” that acts as an escape from problems or emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, the consequences of guilt, embarrassment or ruined relationships only serve to facilitate increases in disorderly sexual behaviour, and the vicious cycle continues.

Is there Love Addiction?

Love addicts, on the other hand, find themselves intoxicated by seduction, the initially overwhelming infatuation of the “honeymoon phase” in relationships and lust. Individuals identifying as love addicts may exhibit destructive patterns throughout intense, painful, insecure or co-dependent relationships. Once the rush of a new connection dissipates, they may grow bored and seek new relationships. These unsuccessful relationships often recreate themselves as the love addict struggles to create lasting feelings of attachment.

Experts explain the phenomenon of sex and love addiction by reinforcement of intimate behaviours with positive chemical reactions in the brain. When lovers have sexual encounters, hold each other or even share emotional intimacies, the brain responds by flooding the body with oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins. Oxytocin — the “cuddle chemical” — reinforces trust, dopamine creates positive feelings in our reward and pleasure centres and endorphins create a rush of excitement and satisfaction. Treatment for love and sex addiction includes a 12-step program, cognitive-behavioural therapy, SLAA meetings, group therapy and inpatient or outpatient programs.

Various behaviours apart from sex and love — breastfeeding, exercising and even eating chocolate — also release these chemicals into the bloodstream. The simple fact is that any activity associated with these happy neurotransmitters has the potential to become addictive, since they create powerful reinforcements for behaviour. Sceptics of sex and love addiction argue that these risky behaviours likely stem from related but more legitimized disorders, such as bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder or dopamine deficiencies.

Culture often shames people who struggle with sexual impulse control by labeling them “promiscuous” or simply incapable of commitment. But if one struggles with sexual compulsions, help should be sought. Regardless of whether or not sexual addiction should be characterized as a legitimate disorder, there is no disgrace in seeking assistance to create healthier, happier relationships. Find a sex-positive therapist and fight to erase stigmas surrounding mental health issues, especially those surrounding sex.

If you would like to talk confidentially for 15 minutes free

please phone Christina on 0435 438 899

 

Courtesy of Badger Herald

Recession grips

Relationship Therapy and Recession

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“Couples who are worst affected by a recession are eight times as likely to suffer relationship breakdown”

states a UK survey “Relationships, Recession and Recovery”.

Relationship Therapists say Australia is the same.

Data  from over 40,000  respondents was grouped according to the experiences of recession: job loss, optimism for the future, perception of current and future financial situation, working overtime, satisfaction with employment and being behind with bills. Then they assessed how couple relationships fared in each group.

The findings highlighted that couples who suffered negative impacts due to the recession demonstrated greater deterioration in their relationship stability. Also couples who remained in relationships had relatively poor quality relationships.

People can feel they have very little control over what will happen to them in financially difficult times; less money, job insecurity, fear of home repossession, having to cut back and having to make some tough decisions.

Insecurity causes stress – often when stressed or feeling frightened we dump this stress on those who are nearest and dearest to us. People feel stuck and frustrated and this can lead to not sleeping, drinking too much and turning away from family and friends.

Therapists believe there is there worse to come?

The concern is that the full extent of relationship tensions may be yet to materialise. The high costs of separation may preclude some couples seeking separation or divorce until their financial situation improves.

Possible warning signs.

Dealing with changes together is paramount to any successful relationship AND it is normal to feel confused and threatened especially when every change appears negative. Questions like, is our relationship strong enough, will we stay together if one of us becomes unemployed? As a couple are we willing to take on new roles?

Underneath the practical money worries are feelings about control, power and independence. Many couples will have been used to keeping at least some of their money separate. But now one of you might be at risk of losing your job. Your partner will either say something like “Well I can’t support you. You need to get some money or else” or “Well actually, I’ve got enough money. I’ll look after you for a while”. Regardless of gender, some people feel uncomfortable with relying financially on the other.

Unemployment and redundancy doesn’t just affect couples through loss of income; but for the unemployed partner there can be a loss of confidence, a feeling of worthlessness, loneliness and depression.

Research shows men are more negatively affected by losing their job than women. This may be because men often earn more so the loss of income may be more severe; but they may also get a greater sense of worth through their job and therefore feel more stigma if they are not able to provide for their family. Frustration can, at worst lead to domestic violence.

Potential impact on children

Parents often incorrectly think that their children aren’t aware of what is going on however, when relationships are strained,children can pick up on the atmosphere even if they don’t fully understand the issues that are causing it.

When parents are particularly stressed they may become preoccupied and harsher or less involved with their children. Sometimes one parent’s style will have changed and the other parent becomes more protective of the children. This often starts rows about parenting that can lead the children to think they are in some way to blame. It is these arguments that are mostly like to upset children.

As parents we always want to give our children what they want and children know this and often use it to pester us! But in more strained times children’s nagging can become a more difficult issue. Couples may struggle with their feelings around this – one of you may feel guilty that you are not able to afford things children want or you may disagree about what the children ‘need’. So arguments about when limited cash should be spent become a regular feature of day to day life. Many couples are prepared to sacrifice certain things for themselves but find it much harder when it comes to saying no to children.

Getting Help with Relationship Therapy

If you are aware of some of the warning signs don’t be afraid to seek help with your relationship.  Sometimes people worry that going to a counsellor means they are in big trouble or that it’s ‘all over red rover’. In fact, if you go early enough, the opposite is frequently true!

If you find that conflict is difficult to resolve on your own, go and get some help while the issue is still small. Many, many couples enjoy an improvement in their relationships with the boost of a little outside help.

Relationship counselling doesn’t have to be disaster management and can in fact be more useful when it’s used for foundation strengthening. A relationship counsellor can assist you in ways to be more flexible and self-reflective, be better able to look at things from your partners’ point of view and to reconsider your own actions and behaviour, which can lead to the subtle shifts in attitude that lead to resolving problems.

 

For a free 10 minute  conversation

phone Christina on 0435 438 899

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Ten pointers to building lasting relationships.

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Couples Counselors  state you need certain critical traits in place when it comes to creating successful relationships.

These traits exist in a real and genuine way because each partner wants to enact them – not because there is pressure from a partner. Once “give and take” becomes “take then give”, resentment and disconnection bubble to the surface and your relationship goes down the gurgler.

To create a successful relationship that truly lasts, many leading relationship counselors suggest you need:

1.Trust.

You cannot truly love someone you can’t trust. You can passionately desire them, you can admire them, you can have affection for them, you can be enchanted by them, you can like them enormously, you can even feel sorry for them but that’s not love. When you know you can really rely on another, you have confidence they will be there for you ,you have trust. Trust is an integral part of enduring love because trust provides repose for the heart – a sense of self haven.

2. Acceptance.

Many people talk about tolerance, however, successful couples don’t “tolerate” each other’s quirks and differences — they accept them. They celebrate their similarities AND their unique differences. They recognize that if you can find someone who addresses sixty percent of your wants and needs, you’re trulyfortunate. Acceptance makes you and your partner both feel safe to share your true selves. You don’t fear judgment, because you aren’t being judged.

3. Respect.

Many people confuse paying attention with showing respect. Attention is great, and it shows love, desire, connection, and passion. However, respect is a deeper level of connection, where you value the person at an intrinsic level, with no promise of reciprocation.

4. Affection and passion.

Everyone wants to feel loved, and sustaining physical connection is a big part of that. Whether couples have been together two months or 20 years, the little things like holding hands, shoulder touches, and sitting together make a very big difference. A healthy sex life is the extension of that affection, helping partners maintain a connection level that is simultaneously physical, mental, and emotional.

5. Humour.

Laughter makes everyone smile, feels great, and works like magic to build, maintain, or restore balance (and attraction) in your relationship. Whether it’s simply telling a joke, playfully teasing your partner, or enjoying a ridiculous conversation, humour builds a happy connection that transcends any individual or joint stress and keeps you enjoying each other’s company.

6. Effective disagreements.

Arguments in a relationship are normal. It’s how you handle them and repair communication that makes your relationship last. Talking through issues with active listening (meaning: not just waiting to explain your own views, but rather, really listening to their side/experience and then offering empathy — regardless if you agree or not), being patient, and not judging allows both of you to maintain your opinion/views on the matter and still connect with one another. People in long-term relationships often have a choice: Being happy or being right. Hint: Happy is better!

7. Privacy.

Today, there is an epidemic of over-sharing, and in relationships, this is often a death sentence. Bottom line: What happens in your relationship isn’t for public consumption. It’s none of anyone’s business. Keeping things between you and your partner and excluding others from your inner-workings — including kids, parents, friends, and strangers — is of paramount importance.

8. Maintaining your individuality.

A successful relationship is made up of two individuals. Your partner still has interest in things they like, whether you’re interested in them or not. Having your own lives outside the relationship not only contributes to each of you maintaining a sense of self-worth and self-esteem, but also gives you things, accomplishments, and interests to bring back to your relationship and share with your partner.

9. Support and sharing.

Paying attention to your partner’s activities — as well as sharing your own — keeps couples connected on a day-to-day basis. Lending opinion and insight, or just a compassionate ear when things get tough makes all the difference. When you care about and respect your partner, you want to know what they’re doing and how you can help them achieve their goals — even if that means you see them less. Being invested in their lives is what contributes to you both people feeling valued.

10. Consideration and gratitude.

The moment you’re no longer grateful for your partner is the moment you start disconnecting, becoming complacent, and/or building resentment. Show consideration to and appreciation for your partner — just for being who they are. They, in turn, will feel grateful as well, and that’s a great cycle to be in.

In reviewing these 10 principles of building and maintaining great relationships, one thing becomes obvious : It’s the little things that count most.

 

Trips and gifts are great, but it’s the everyday behaviours that count more. Additionally, couples need to realize that a family is not the same as a marriage. Families need time to grow and stay connected, and a marriage is no different — but the marriage is between the couple, not everyone in the family.
A couple that takes time to do the things that made them fall in love in the first place will find themselves connected and happy long after the newness of the relationship has passed. A couple that thinks marriage is automatic and takes things for granted will likely find themselves in the divorce court.

For a free 10 minute confidential discussion

phone Christina on 0435 438 899

Adapted from an article first in YourTango.

Single man needing relationship counseling

Relationship Counseling For Singles

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Relationship counseling is for singles too!!

  • Are you attracting Insignificant Others into your life?
  • Are these potential partners unavailable in one form or another. Why is this? What is going on?

OR

  • Are you in the same relationship situation you’ve been in before and want out?
  • Maybe you’re with a very similar person and it’s driving you crazy.

 

Patterns of Behaviour and Patterns of Relationships.

Relationship Counseling can help you highlight both previous Patterns of Behaviour and Patterns of Relationships.

It is only when we reflect on our other relationships – intimate and possibly non-intimate too- that we can begin to see the patterns of who we are and who we tend to become when we engage with others. We can gain insight if we purposely look at our behaviour – were we for instance jealous; generous; reliable; unreliable; dictatorial; a doormat. Have these behaviours worked for us in the past?

Similarly Relationship Counselling can help us reflect on our relationships and gain insight into the types of people we habitually get into relationships with. Have they tended to be with say intellectuals; addicts; commitophobes; committed to More Important Others (spouses, children, family, jealous cat) etc..

When you detect a pattern – or patterns and you realise that you’ve Done It To Yourself Again you may have an Aha moment all on your own and with a blinding flash of the bleeding obvious you see your ‘pattern’.

But most of us don’t. And our friends and loved ones either don’t see it – or don’t want to risk our wrath by pointing it out. This is where qualified relationship counseling gives insight and instruction.

If you are embarrassed at needing to ask a professional how to get more than a date, think of it like going to a chiropractor when your spine is misaligned. Sometimes we humans need help to get our inner selves straightened too.

Projections

A Relationship Counselor can point out your possible role of victim – a place of dis-empowerment where things happen to you – you are rootless, pushed about by the vagaries of the universe. In order to reclaim your power you need to work through the painful truth that you are giving out something which is attracting these categories of people into your life. If you give out different ‘vibes’ you attract a different potential Significant Other – the sort you really want to attract.

The Talmud states ‘We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are”

If you think of the mind as a projector, a video camera and our reality, our universe is the projection screen, then our history, our DNA is the film cam that records the experiences of life. We project all manner of things onto the projection screen – we project ourselves – particularly onto other people. When we discuss disparagingly another in Relationship Counselling we might be asked to consider what part of myself do I see in that individual? Painful – yes. Insightful – yes. You don’t do this work on your own!
Relationship Counseling encourages the reclaiming of projections and it starts to enable the reclaiming of power. If you able to reclaim your projection you can choose your projections and you can attract the people into your life that you desire, you have the power to change and create what you want.In Relationship Counseling with Singles, or those who are deciding to leave a relationship – or not-  it is important to dive into questions like:

What part of you is not available for a relationship?
What part of you doesn’t want to commit?

When you dive into these questions with the aid of a professional Relationship Counselor you can address what parts of you unconsciously give off signals that indicate you are not available for love, and you can allow yourself to attract those who want to commit to open their hearts to you.

After working with Relationship Counseling you hopefully will have a much clearer idea of who you want to have in your life, what kind of relationship you want with those individuals and how to revel in them!!

 

For a free Phone Conversation

please phone Christina on 0435 438 899

relationship therapy

Three BIG reasons to seek Relationship Therapy.

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  • Question: Do you think marriages naturally improve as you get further and further away from the honeymoon and have greater stress to contend with – particularly with ankle biters in the home?
  • Question: If your leg was infected, would you wait for gangrene to develop before seeking medical attention? And yet you might be putting off getting help with your relationship.
  • Question: How is your partner to know they need to shape up when in fact they think it is you who needs to learn how to do so? How is it that you are mature, smart and goal-oriented in other aspects of your life, yet when it comes to working to improve your own relationship, you are in denial? Would you treat your own diabetes? Fill your own tooth cavity?
  • Question: Why, then, would you hesitate before finding a couples therapist when you know in your heart that nothing is going to improve anytime soon without working on it?

The reality might be your relationship suffers some of the following ailments and they might just become terminal.

Relationship therapy can help with communication problems.

You are not talking or when you are its primarily negative.

Many even mature relationships have challenges which are simply challenges in communication. Relationship therapy can help facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling judged, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Negative communication also includes the tone of conversation because it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

When you’re afraid to talk.

It can be just too frightening to even bring issues up. This can be anything from sex to money, or even annoying little habits that are being blown out of proportion. Relationship therapy is designed to help a couple become clear about their issues and to help them understand what they are truly talking about.

You have nothing to talk about except the kids.

You go on a romantic night out and realise you don’t know about his work and don’t care. You don’t know what she talks about with her friends and don’t care. It’s so much effort to ask and pay attention that you might as well just talk about your child’s exposure to hand, foot and mouth disease at preschool. Might be time to make the call to a relationship therapist.

Relationship therapy can unravel some honesty issues.

When you keep secrets.

Each person in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you keep secrets from each other, something isn’t right.

When you contemplate (or are having) an affair.

Fantasising about an affair is a signal that you desire something different from what you currently have. While it is possible for a relationship to survive after one partner had an affair, it’s prudent to get some help before that happens. If both of you are committed to the therapy process and are being honest, the relationship may be salvaged. At the very least, you may both come to realize that it is healthier for both of you to move on.

When you are financially unfaithful.

Financial infidelity can be just as -– if not more -– damaging to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his or her spouse in the dark about spending or needs to control everything related to money, then the other should bring up the topic of family finances. It’s not unreasonable to say, “I want to better understand our monthly bills and budget, our debt, how many savings/checking/retirement accounts we have, etc.” If your partner objects, consult a professional to help work out the conflict.

Relationship therapy can assist you with your true feelings toward your partner.

You don’t respect your partner’s opinion.

In response to most things that they say, you roll your eyes, internally or outright. You genuinely think you are a better, more intelligent or have a more common sense approach, and you don’t take their opinion into consideration, probably never have if you’re honest with yourself. Or perhaps they feel and act this way about you.

You don’t feel attracted to your spouse.

Your partner looks relatively similar to when you met, but you feel no physical excitement or even a pleasant desire to touch them when they are around. You wonder if this is due to age, hormones changing, or the acid in your stomach that churns when you remember your list of resentments. It is probably that last one.

You love your partner, but something is just missing.

This is THE most difficult one. You don’t hate anything about your partner, but you don’t feel connected or close. You turn to best friends or your mum to share funny stories. You think about old boyfriends or girlfriends sometimes, or a lot. You know intellectually that your partner is a good person, but you’re Just Not Feeling It (either anymore, or sometimes you wonder if you ever did).

Most relationship and sex therapists know this simple fact- the sooner you seek out treatment, the faster you’ll feel better. It sounds obvious, but far too many people let their problems overwhelm them before getting help.

So why not take a relationship that is just okay and make it even better?
And work on the one that is not okay.

For a free 10 minute consultation
phone Christina on 0435 438 899