Ten pointers to lasting relationships

Couples Counselors state you need certain critical traits in place when it comes to creating successful relationships.

These traits exist in a real and genuine way because each partner wants to enact them – not because there is pressure from a partner. Once “give and take” becomes “take then give”, resentment and disconnection bubble to the surface and your relationship goes down the gurgler.

To create a successful relationship that truly lasts, many leading relationship counselors suggest you need:

1.Trust.

You cannot truly love someone you can’t trust. You can passionately desire them, you can admire them, you can have affection for them, you can be enchanted by them, you can like them enormously, you can even feel sorry for them but that’s not love. When you know you can really rely on another, you have confidence they will be there for you ,you have trust. Trust is an integral part of enduring love because trust provides repose for the heart – a sense of self haven.

2. Acceptance.

Many people talk about tolerance, however, successful couples don’t “tolerate” each other’s quirks and differences — they accept them. They celebrate their similarities AND their unique differences. They recognize that if you can find someone who addresses sixty percent of your wants and needs, you’re trulyfortunate. Acceptance makes you and your partner both feel safe to share your true selves. You don’t fear judgment, because you aren’t being judged.

3. Respect.

Many people confuse paying attention with showing respect. Attention is great, and it shows love, desire, connection, and passion. However, respect is a deeper level of connection, where you value the person at an intrinsic level, with no promise of reciprocation.

4. Affection and passion.

Everyone wants to feel loved, and sustaining physical connection is a big part of that. Whether couples have been together two months or 20 years, the little things like holding hands, shoulder touches, and sitting together make a very big difference. A healthy sex life is the extension of that affection, helping partners maintain a connection level that is simultaneously physical, mental, and emotional.

5. Humour.

Laughter makes everyone smile, feels great, and works like magic to build, maintain, or restore balance (and attraction) in your relationship. Whether it’s simply telling a joke, playfully teasing your partner, or enjoying a ridiculous conversation, humour builds a happy connection that transcends any individual or joint stress and keeps you enjoying each other’s company.

6. Effective disagreements.

Arguments in a relationship are normal. It’s how you handle them and repair communication that makes your relationship last. Talking through issues with active listening (meaning: not just waiting to explain your own views, but rather, really listening to their side/experience and then offering empathy — regardless if you agree or not), being patient, and not judging allows both of you to maintain your opinion/views on the matter and still connect with one another. People in long-term relationships often have a choice: Being happy or being right. Hint: Happy is better!

7. Privacy.

Today, there is an epidemic of over-sharing, and in relationships, this is often a death sentence. Bottom line: What happens in your relationship isn’t for public consumption. It’s none of anyone’s business. Keeping things between you and your partner and excluding others from your inner-workings — including kids, parents, friends, and strangers — is of paramount importance.

8. Maintaining your individuality.

A successful relationship is made up of two individuals. Your partner still has interest in things they like, whether you’re interested in them or not. Having your own lives outside the relationship not only contributes to each of you maintaining a sense of self-worth and self-esteem, but also gives you things, accomplishments, and interests to bring back to your relationship and share with your partner.

9. Support and sharing.

Paying attention to your partner’s activities — as well as sharing your own — keeps couples connected on a day-to-day basis. Lending opinion and insight, or just a compassionate ear when things get tough makes all the difference. When you care about and respect your partner, you want to know what they’re doing and how you can help them achieve their goals — even if that means you see them less. Being invested in their lives is what contributes to you both people feeling valued.

10. Consideration and gratitude.

The moment you’re no longer grateful for your partner is the moment you start disconnecting, becoming complacent, and/or building resentment. Show consideration to and appreciation for your partner — just for being who they are. They, in turn, will feel grateful as well, and that’s a great cycle to be in.

In reviewing these 10 principles of building and maintaining great relationships, one thing becomes obvious : It’s the little things that count most.

Trips and gifts are great, but it’s the everyday behaviours that count more. Additionally, couples need to realize that a family is not the same as a marriage. Families need time to grow and stay connected, and a marriage is no different — but the marriage is between the couple, not everyone in the family.
A couple that takes time to do the things that made them fall in love in the first place will find themselves connected and happy long after the newness of the relationship has passed. A couple that thinks marriage is automatic and takes things for granted will likely find themselves in the divorce court.