beautiful woman in the role of a slave on a leash

You & Your Porn

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The Reality of Porn

Watching internet porn is a reality in many people’s lives – for both men and women. A British  2012 sex census found that 41 per cent of women and 76 per cent of men admitted to watching porn once a month or more, and that 19 per cent of women and 58 per cent of men watched it once a week. Many more stated that they would prefer not to reveal their usage it so it would be fair to assume that the real numbers enjoying porn are even higher.

It should be noted that porn has no meaning in and of itself – it is those watching who give the content meaning. And people, lots of people enjoy the content, frequently watching as couples to enhance their sex lives.

Porn can and does create very unrealistic perceptions of men and women against which “ordinary” sex may get unfavourably compared. Perfect bodies, phenomenal stamina and endless orgasms are not things that most couples would feel able, or even want to aspire to at the end of a long hard day at the office or with the kids. Many couples will prefer tenderness and intimacy as the major contributor to good sex.However, for those using porn why can watching porn impact on a relationship?

A Chicken And Egg Conundrum

Difficulties seem to arise if/when one partner feels isolated and alone while their other half blithely carries on and ignores their partner’s feelings. Sometimes one partner fears that the use of porn leads to relationship withdrawal; or if one partner thinks of porn during sex and dissociates from their partner resulting in a potential lack of intimacy.

However another way of looking at this is that other factors, ( such as anxiety, physical pain, anger, shame, boring partner, fertility issues etc) can lead to withdrawal from a relationship which may then lead to porn use; or one or other factors lead to dissociating during sex and therefore the individual thinks of porn during sex.

To Talk Or Not To Talk?

So if you have found out that a partner is doing something that feels detrimental to you, can you talk directly about your concerns and have a clear expectation that you will be heard? If you can this might lead to change but even if that is not the result at least your other half knows how you think and feel.

However if you cannot talk directly, and you desperately want an explanation, or for something to just stop, you can get into seriously unhelpful arguments with accusations flying around which will achieve nothing.

So if you object to the porn your partner views before you confront them try to take a step back to think about your own reactions.

What Do You Really Think?

Perhaps you think it is disgusting and has no place in a relationship? Perhaps you don’t mind but feel excluded? Or do you suspect your sexual relationship isn’t satisfying your partner and they’ve decided to find out if porn is more of a turn on?

Perhaps your partner simply takes it for granted that you are fine with their porn use because you have never complained. If that’s the case then don’t rely on their mind reading skills –it doesn’t work; making time to talk about how you feel is the first step to clearing the air. Are you perhaps concerned by the time spent watching porn and are concerned that it impacts negatively on their everyday life and relationships?

Whatever your concerns you have to begin by talking.  Be clear about how you feel – vagueness causes more confusion and what needs to be said can get scrambled. It is important to listen carefully to what your partner is telling you too.

But what if you feel you can’t speak to them about it? What is it that might stop us from being honest with a partner about this or even anything else? Sometimes it is because we actually fear that our own opinion might be so different to our partner’s that by expressing it they may end up deserting us.

Consider also if you are in a relationship where you feel that you are never listened to or that your needs aren’t usually met, it is easy to get out of the habit of having any real expectation of change. This can quickly descend into a ‘what’s the point’ conversation and then of course nothing does change except that the sadness, anger and resentment just get bigger.

Porn is Personal

If it is not for you, say so. Any partner who doesn’t listen and still wants to indulge in heavy usage may not be the right partner for you. On the other hand  don’t necessarily exclude experimenting with it together either. As with anything to do with sex, agreeing how far you want to take things is a definite requirement in any healthy relationship, so don’t let anyone insist you look at or re-enact the things they want to if you are not comfortable.

If your partner humiliates you, calling you weird for not wanting to watch porn it might be best to give them a very wide berth because demeaning anyone in this manner is usually a very negative reflection of the person attempting to shame you.

So, go for it, be brave and state how you feel and what you want and expect from your partner. If you can create a positive dialogue together and you’re both game, a mild flirtation with porn may be just the thing to reignite the passion

 

Phone Christina on 0435 438 899

for a free 10 minute confidential talk.

Gone were the days of emotional restraint.

Women do want sex

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Women want sex for the sake of sex just as much as men, it’s just that they mostly don’t allow themselves to admit it. When they do, both men and women will be able to be more honest with one another and enjoy sex more!

Women are naturally sexual beings.

Allowing women to give themselves permission to be the fully sexual beings that they naturally are is a large part of the work as a sex therapist that I do.

It arises from the suppressed  nature of our male dominated society and it is one of the most important pieces of work a sex therapist can do with someone who has sexual issues.

In subtle and not so subtle ways our culture still tells us repeatedly  that women are allowed to be “sexy” – that is that they are permitted to evoke sexual desire (usually by looking a certain way which conforms with our society’s idea of idealised youth-centric beauty).

Meanwhile, men are given permission to be “sexual” – that is to act out their sexual impulses and to express them. This is seen so clearly not only in pornography but in the media imagery around women and their bodies.

Women’s internalised beliefs about sex

The sad thing is that men have done such a great job of suppressing female sexuality that most women have internalised the belief themselves. What, you may cry, not I! But ask yourself, do you really allow yourself to access your full desires? Do you dare to admit to yourself what you truly long for?

This denial of female sexuality means that both men and women suffer. When a woman disowns her sexuality it is all too common to project that out onto others. Sexually active women become sluts and men become “only interested in one thing” or labelled as lewd, base, sex obsessed perverts or, at worst, potential abusers.

Giving yourself permission to enjoy sex

One of the reasons for the success of 50 Shades is, I suspect, that it gives women permission to get in touch with some of those long suppressed desires. It is only a relatively recent myth that men want sex more than women. Until 200 years ago, it was believed that women needed to orgasm in order to get pregnant. Sadly modern science in the 19th century disapproved that wonderful idea and with it the importance of female sexual pleasure declined and women’s pleasure assumed a less important role.

My experience is that when a woman truly gets in touch with her desire, it is stronger than in most men. As a man, unless you’re trained in Taoist or tantric practices of retaining your ejaculation (or you’re 20 years old) once guys have ejaculated that’s usually them done for a bit. Women on the other hand, have the potential to have as many orgasms as they can handle.

This high libido caused men to fear the infidelity of their women and hence encourage the suppression of female sexuality. Most women have bought into this by believing that suppressing their desires to fit in a monogamous relationship is a fair trade for the supposed security it offers. Yet studies show that the numbers of women cheating in relationships is roughly the same as men.
The idea that women want emotional connection and men want physical sex is also a myth.

For a confidential FREE 10 minute

chat phone Christina on 0435 438 899