Gone were the days of emotional restraint.

Women do want sex

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Women want sex for the sake of sex just as much as men, it’s just that they mostly don’t allow themselves to admit it. When they do, both men and women will be able to be more honest with one another and enjoy sex more!

Women are naturally sexual beings.

Allowing women to give themselves permission to be the fully sexual beings that they naturally are is a large part of the work as a sex therapist that I do.

It arises from the suppressed  nature of our male dominated society and it is one of the most important pieces of work a sex therapist can do with someone who has sexual issues.

In subtle and not so subtle ways our culture still tells us repeatedly  that women are allowed to be “sexy” – that is that they are permitted to evoke sexual desire (usually by looking a certain way which conforms with our society’s idea of idealised youth-centric beauty).

Meanwhile, men are given permission to be “sexual” – that is to act out their sexual impulses and to express them. This is seen so clearly not only in pornography but in the media imagery around women and their bodies.

Women’s internalised beliefs about sex

The sad thing is that men have done such a great job of suppressing female sexuality that most women have internalised the belief themselves. What, you may cry, not I! But ask yourself, do you really allow yourself to access your full desires? Do you dare to admit to yourself what you truly long for?

This denial of female sexuality means that both men and women suffer. When a woman disowns her sexuality it is all too common to project that out onto others. Sexually active women become sluts and men become “only interested in one thing” or labelled as lewd, base, sex obsessed perverts or, at worst, potential abusers.

Giving yourself permission to enjoy sex

One of the reasons for the success of 50 Shades is, I suspect, that it gives women permission to get in touch with some of those long suppressed desires. It is only a relatively recent myth that men want sex more than women. Until 200 years ago, it was believed that women needed to orgasm in order to get pregnant. Sadly modern science in the 19th century disapproved that wonderful idea and with it the importance of female sexual pleasure declined and women’s pleasure assumed a less important role.

My experience is that when a woman truly gets in touch with her desire, it is stronger than in most men. As a man, unless you’re trained in Taoist or tantric practices of retaining your ejaculation (or you’re 20 years old) once guys have ejaculated that’s usually them done for a bit. Women on the other hand, have the potential to have as many orgasms as they can handle.

This high libido caused men to fear the infidelity of their women and hence encourage the suppression of female sexuality. Most women have bought into this by believing that suppressing their desires to fit in a monogamous relationship is a fair trade for the supposed security it offers. Yet studies show that the numbers of women cheating in relationships is roughly the same as men.
The idea that women want emotional connection and men want physical sex is also a myth.

For a confidential FREE 10 minute

chat phone Christina on 0435 438 899

 

relationship therapy

Three BIG reasons to seek Relationship Therapy.

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  • Question: Do you think marriages naturally improve as you get further and further away from the honeymoon and have greater stress to contend with – particularly with ankle biters in the home?
  • Question: If your leg was infected, would you wait for gangrene to develop before seeking medical attention? And yet you might be putting off getting help with your relationship.
  • Question: How is your partner to know they need to shape up when in fact they think it is you who needs to learn how to do so? How is it that you are mature, smart and goal-oriented in other aspects of your life, yet when it comes to working to improve your own relationship, you are in denial? Would you treat your own diabetes? Fill your own tooth cavity?
  • Question: Why, then, would you hesitate before finding a couples therapist when you know in your heart that nothing is going to improve anytime soon without working on it?

The reality might be your relationship suffers some of the following ailments and they might just become terminal.

Relationship therapy can help with communication problems.

You are not talking or when you are its primarily negative.

Many even mature relationships have challenges which are simply challenges in communication. Relationship therapy can help facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling judged, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Negative communication also includes the tone of conversation because it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

When you’re afraid to talk.

It can be just too frightening to even bring issues up. This can be anything from sex to money, or even annoying little habits that are being blown out of proportion. Relationship therapy is designed to help a couple become clear about their issues and to help them understand what they are truly talking about.

You have nothing to talk about except the kids.

You go on a romantic night out and realise you don’t know about his work and don’t care. You don’t know what she talks about with her friends and don’t care. It’s so much effort to ask and pay attention that you might as well just talk about your child’s exposure to hand, foot and mouth disease at preschool. Might be time to make the call to a relationship therapist.

Relationship therapy can unravel some honesty issues.

When you keep secrets.

Each person in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you keep secrets from each other, something isn’t right.

When you contemplate (or are having) an affair.

Fantasising about an affair is a signal that you desire something different from what you currently have. While it is possible for a relationship to survive after one partner had an affair, it’s prudent to get some help before that happens. If both of you are committed to the therapy process and are being honest, the relationship may be salvaged. At the very least, you may both come to realize that it is healthier for both of you to move on.

When you are financially unfaithful.

Financial infidelity can be just as -– if not more -– damaging to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his or her spouse in the dark about spending or needs to control everything related to money, then the other should bring up the topic of family finances. It’s not unreasonable to say, “I want to better understand our monthly bills and budget, our debt, how many savings/checking/retirement accounts we have, etc.” If your partner objects, consult a professional to help work out the conflict.

Relationship therapy can assist you with your true feelings toward your partner.

You don’t respect your partner’s opinion.

In response to most things that they say, you roll your eyes, internally or outright. You genuinely think you are a better, more intelligent or have a more common sense approach, and you don’t take their opinion into consideration, probably never have if you’re honest with yourself. Or perhaps they feel and act this way about you.

You don’t feel attracted to your spouse.

Your partner looks relatively similar to when you met, but you feel no physical excitement or even a pleasant desire to touch them when they are around. You wonder if this is due to age, hormones changing, or the acid in your stomach that churns when you remember your list of resentments. It is probably that last one.

You love your partner, but something is just missing.

This is THE most difficult one. You don’t hate anything about your partner, but you don’t feel connected or close. You turn to best friends or your mum to share funny stories. You think about old boyfriends or girlfriends sometimes, or a lot. You know intellectually that your partner is a good person, but you’re Just Not Feeling It (either anymore, or sometimes you wonder if you ever did).

Most relationship and sex therapists know this simple fact- the sooner you seek out treatment, the faster you’ll feel better. It sounds obvious, but far too many people let their problems overwhelm them before getting help.

So why not take a relationship that is just okay and make it even better?
And work on the one that is not okay.

For a free 10 minute consultation
phone Christina on 0435 438 899

Female viagra

5 reasons why ‘Female Viagra’ (Flibanserin) is NOT good news for women.

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An excellent expose of the power of lobbying by the pharmaceutical companies to push the so called “Female Viagra”.

The Side Effects of “Female Viagra”:

One in five women in clinical trials experienced central nervous system depression (sedation, fatigue, “sudden unconsciousness”, and extreme sleepiness) equivalent to drinking four alcoholic drinks.

Accidental injuries associated with central nervous system depression occurred more than twice as often in flibanserin-treated women as in the placebo group and 16% suffered from symptomatic low blood pressure.

In addition, flibanserin interactions with drugs commonly used by perimenopausal women, like birth-control pills and anti-fungals, lead to even higher rates of sudden unconsciousness, low blood pressure and dizziness.

 It Doesn’t Work:

It has not demonstrated an increase in sexual desire in any of the research studies. In the 2012 Daisy Study, over 1,000 pre-menopausal women were asked to record their libido levels in an eDiary.  No group showed a significant increase in eDiary desire score vs. the placebo group.

What they did report was a lessening of distress with their low libido. They were asked to rate their sexual encounters as satisfying or not. This drug was passed because women reported 1 more satisfying sexual encounter per month than they had experienced before.

Please consider that before the study they didn’t have any hope of having libido. With the study they were willing to have sex as a homework assignment…boom…libido barrier overcome and now they are having sex and grading the encounters.

This didn’t actually help their libido (as the study points out), it gave them homework… “have sex and tell us how it was for you”.

That in and of itself is one of the most powerful cures for low libido there is…be willing to experience desire after you start getting aroused. No side effects with that intervention and do you recognize the power of the placebo effect here?

It’s Dangerous:

ALL of the studies done on this drug have been paid for by Sprout Pharmaceuticals. Even then, the risks outweighed the benefits.

Taking the recommended dose of 100 mg every night is like drinking 4 alcoholic drinks. When combined with alcohol, oral contraceptive pills, anti-fungal medications, anti-hypertensive medications, and many other medications, this liver effect is potentiated by 7 times.

If Viagra was contra-indicated with alcohol, as Flibanserin is, I question if the uptake would have been so exceptional. (Christina’s insert)

It Does Not Address The Root Cause of Low Libido:

In the HURT Study (Healing Un-Resolved Trauma), 5 root causes were found to be the foundation of low libido in women (Ewers, K. (2014). An integrative medicine approach to the treatment of HSDD: introducing the HURT Model. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, Vol. 29 (1),42-55).

The 5 root causes are physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual—or found in her Libido Story® somewhere in her Libido Map®. For most women, there is a combination of root causes that creates the low libido she experiences.

Believing that a one size fits all pill will permanently alleviate such a complex issue is short sighted and potentially very dangerous.

It Masks The Real Problems

Offering a pill to women for low libido is really focusing on the wrong issue. Are all women engaging sexually for the same reasons? Is their desire limited to only sex? Is passion contained only in the sexual act? I have never met a woman in my clinical practice that would say yes to these questions.

The placebo effect is powerful. If women get a prescription from their medical providers for Flibanserin and rush home thinking that all of their desire and passion issues will be fixed, they will be sorely disappointed.

Self-awareness, self-confrontation, good (if not great) communication, healthy boundaries, proper self-care practices…these are all of the important ingredients for intimacy a one size fits all magic pill theory ignores.

 

And finally one more reason.

This marketing campaign that has been undertaken to target women who are suffering from a very real issue is insulting to women’s intelligence. It’s being marketed as “the pink Viagra”. Viagra is used for male erectile dysfunction, not male libido issues. Erections are about a physiological issue involving the penis. This is interesting to me that a company that sells a medication for female sexual desire would actually be that illogical in their marketing strategy. But the frightening aspect to all of this is that no one is pointing this out from the consumer side of things.

Yes, Viagra works to make a penis erect. The logic is that by pairing the word Viagra, which consumers have an immediate and fairly positive association with, with a drug that has nothing to do with penile erections and is unsafe, it will make female consumers feel safe and even hopeful that they now have their version of Viagra.

No! Stop the train! This is not the same issue. Please do not associate Flibanserin with Viagra. They don’t do the same thing, they are not meant to do the same thing, and they should not be put in the same marketing slogan.

 

Dr. Keesha Ewers, Chief Medical Officer

The Functional Sexology Institute

425-999-4185

http://www.functionalsexology.com

 If you suffer from low libido and would like to discuss with a sex therapist please phone Christina for a

free 10 min consultation on 0435 438 899

 

3d Illustration of tough decision ahead traffic sign

The reality of relationship counseling.

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We experience the ‘urge to merge’ when we think we have found a date who will become OUR mate. We find ourselves in a state of euphoria, a head over heels adrenaline rush, driven in part by Mother Nature, wanting us to procreate and sending Hormones that hijack the Head and affect the Heart. This is the time we don our rose coloured spectacles, idealising the other, whilst concurrently projecting our best self – aiming to be both ‘interesting and interested’. If observed by some more wise persons they might assume we were riding along, head in the clouds AND on square wheels.

However this period usually lasts no longer than 12-18 months. It is for this reason that the last and very important chapter in my book ‘The Really Useful Grown-Ups Guide to Dating & Mating’ is titled Deciding. Whether it has been seven months or seven years you might one day wonder what you are doing with This Person In This Relationship.

There is a rhythm to the ending of a marriage just like the rhythm of a courtship – only backward. You try to start again but get into blaming over and over. Finally you are both worn out, exhausted, hopeless. Then lawyers are called in to pick clean the corpses. The death has occurred much earlier.

                                                                                                    Erica Jong  How To Save Your Own Life

Different tracks

Some of us Drift along in relationships that are not really fulfilling, but they kind of work. Some of us Tolerate circumstances, possibly hoping things will change. Others Resent for a period of time, hoping it will get better, however, there is an old saying that you never stub your foot on a mountain, but, believe me, even small repeated resentments will become the Himalayas over time. Frequently couples wait to visit a therapist when they are at the Raging stage. Some want to discuss with the therapist whether the other’s intractability is at fault – and sometimes it might be. (There are Narcissists and Passive Aggressive personalities, to name but a couple, who can testing put it mildly,to cohabit with. The decision might then be do you resign yourself to living with the behaviour or do you leave?)

Whoops – we are off the rails

When the rose coloured spectacles do slip, and they almost always do, there can be the potential for disappointment on either-or both- sides. This can be the time couples, married or not, reassess their desire to cohabit. Once you Heart changes and you lose the desire to be in the relationship, its demise is almost inevitable, although your Head may well delay accepting that fact. Everything your partner now does may make you less happy, with insecurity, betrayal and anger creeping into your interactions.

This is often the time couples have a first visit to a relationship therapist or marriage guidance counsellor. Sadly though, much like a doctor cannot cure an incurable disease, a therapist cannot save a relationship when your heart has quit. While a therapist can help you examine your feelings only you can know your own emotions.

What do YOU really, really want?

In the book ‘Sacred Cows- ‘The Truth about Marriage and Divorce’ the authors suggest distressed couples examine their basic desires BEFORE seeking counselling. Imagine a Relationship Fairy appearing, complete with wand, able to fulfil your greatest desire about your current relationship. (Note – no wishes about money or eternal life – she is the Relationship Fairy after all!) No-one will know what you ask for so you can be totally honest.

Do you want your partner to agree regarding raising the kids, how to spend money, or whether your mother is a reasonable person. Or do you want the Relationship Fairy to cast amorous dust in your partner’s eyes, so they make passionate love when you walk through the door? Do you want your heart filled with love for your partner – or do you want them to run off with the tennis pro to Brazil??

Armed with your personal honest evaluation of your desires, you are better equipped to select the advice that best suits you. Or indeed to recognise that no self-help book, therapist or counsellor is going to save the current relationship.

Proviso Even when couples therapy might not bring resolution, don’t ignore therapy altogether – it can be beneficial in working through separation issues and ensure that patterns of relating are not being blindly followed with your next choice of partner.

Counselors, Therapists and Self-Help Books.

Therapists, and the millions of self-help books out theretend to fit into various camps. There are those who wish to reduce conflict and/or rekindle romance, those who suggest you fake it till you make it, that you are selfish if you consider separating and so on and so on ad nauseum.. However, all the conflict resolution in the world, the empathic listening and sharing, the sensate exercises dutifully carried out won’t help if your partner doesn’t love you, has an incompatible sexual orientation, or a personality disorder that you cannot live with. You can waste much time and money and heighten your frustration.

There are counselors who believe in saving marriages at any cost. Is this what you want and if not it might be wise to ask up-front

‘Do you believe your role is to assist Robin and I to become happier people, or to save our relationship?’”

A good counselor will assist you to repair a damaged relationship if that is what both individuals desire. They will also help you to decide whether being in this partnership is the right thing, right now and into the future, for you both. And if you want your relationship to flourish – and not flounder because of sexual glitches – seek guidance from a professional sex therapist. Google “sex therapist + (my town) and you’ll get a list of qualified professionals working under a strict Code of Ethics. You don’t need a referral from a GP.

I wish you what you wish for yourself

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Enhancing your sex life as you age can be fostered as an individual; with a partner; and/or with the guidance and possible medical intervention of a therapist/health practitioner.

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