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Recession grips

Relationship Therapy and Recession

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“Couples who are worst affected by a recession are eight times as likely to suffer relationship breakdown”

states a UK survey “Relationships, Recession and Recovery”.

Relationship Therapists say Australia is the same.

Data  from over 40,000  respondents was grouped according to the experiences of recession: job loss, optimism for the future, perception of current and future financial situation, working overtime, satisfaction with employment and being behind with bills. Then they assessed how couple relationships fared in each group.

The findings highlighted that couples who suffered negative impacts due to the recession demonstrated greater deterioration in their relationship stability. Also couples who remained in relationships had relatively poor quality relationships.

People can feel they have very little control over what will happen to them in financially difficult times; less money, job insecurity, fear of home repossession, having to cut back and having to make some tough decisions.

Insecurity causes stress – often when stressed or feeling frightened we dump this stress on those who are nearest and dearest to us. People feel stuck and frustrated and this can lead to not sleeping, drinking too much and turning away from family and friends.

Therapists believe there is there worse to come?

The concern is that the full extent of relationship tensions may be yet to materialise. The high costs of separation may preclude some couples seeking separation or divorce until their financial situation improves.

Possible warning signs.

Dealing with changes together is paramount to any successful relationship AND it is normal to feel confused and threatened especially when every change appears negative. Questions like, is our relationship strong enough, will we stay together if one of us becomes unemployed? As a couple are we willing to take on new roles?

Underneath the practical money worries are feelings about control, power and independence. Many couples will have been used to keeping at least some of their money separate. But now one of you might be at risk of losing your job. Your partner will either say something like “Well I can’t support you. You need to get some money or else” or “Well actually, I’ve got enough money. I’ll look after you for a while”. Regardless of gender, some people feel uncomfortable with relying financially on the other.

Unemployment and redundancy doesn’t just affect couples through loss of income; but for the unemployed partner there can be a loss of confidence, a feeling of worthlessness, loneliness and depression.

Research shows men are more negatively affected by losing their job than women. This may be because men often earn more so the loss of income may be more severe; but they may also get a greater sense of worth through their job and therefore feel more stigma if they are not able to provide for their family. Frustration can, at worst lead to domestic violence.

Potential impact on children

Parents often incorrectly think that their children aren’t aware of what is going on however, when relationships are strained,children can pick up on the atmosphere even if they don’t fully understand the issues that are causing it.

When parents are particularly stressed they may become preoccupied and harsher or less involved with their children. Sometimes one parent’s style will have changed and the other parent becomes more protective of the children. This often starts rows about parenting that can lead the children to think they are in some way to blame. It is these arguments that are mostly like to upset children.

As parents we always want to give our children what they want and children know this and often use it to pester us! But in more strained times children’s nagging can become a more difficult issue. Couples may struggle with their feelings around this – one of you may feel guilty that you are not able to afford things children want or you may disagree about what the children ‘need’. So arguments about when limited cash should be spent become a regular feature of day to day life. Many couples are prepared to sacrifice certain things for themselves but find it much harder when it comes to saying no to children.

Getting Help with Relationship Therapy

If you are aware of some of the warning signs don’t be afraid to seek help with your relationship.  Sometimes people worry that going to a counsellor means they are in big trouble or that it’s ‘all over red rover’. In fact, if you go early enough, the opposite is frequently true!

If you find that conflict is difficult to resolve on your own, go and get some help while the issue is still small. Many, many couples enjoy an improvement in their relationships with the boost of a little outside help.

Relationship counselling doesn’t have to be disaster management and can in fact be more useful when it’s used for foundation strengthening. A relationship counsellor can assist you in ways to be more flexible and self-reflective, be better able to look at things from your partners’ point of view and to reconsider your own actions and behaviour, which can lead to the subtle shifts in attitude that lead to resolving problems.

 

For a free 10 minute  conversation

phone Christina on 0435 438 899

relationship therapy

Three BIG reasons to seek Relationship Therapy.

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  • Question: Do you think marriages naturally improve as you get further and further away from the honeymoon and have greater stress to contend with – particularly with ankle biters in the home?
  • Question: If your leg was infected, would you wait for gangrene to develop before seeking medical attention? And yet you might be putting off getting help with your relationship.
  • Question: How is your partner to know they need to shape up when in fact they think it is you who needs to learn how to do so? How is it that you are mature, smart and goal-oriented in other aspects of your life, yet when it comes to working to improve your own relationship, you are in denial? Would you treat your own diabetes? Fill your own tooth cavity?
  • Question: Why, then, would you hesitate before finding a couples therapist when you know in your heart that nothing is going to improve anytime soon without working on it?

The reality might be your relationship suffers some of the following ailments and they might just become terminal.

Relationship therapy can help with communication problems.

You are not talking or when you are its primarily negative.

Many even mature relationships have challenges which are simply challenges in communication. Relationship therapy can help facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling judged, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Negative communication also includes the tone of conversation because it’s not always what you say, but how you say it.

When you’re afraid to talk.

It can be just too frightening to even bring issues up. This can be anything from sex to money, or even annoying little habits that are being blown out of proportion. Relationship therapy is designed to help a couple become clear about their issues and to help them understand what they are truly talking about.

You have nothing to talk about except the kids.

You go on a romantic night out and realise you don’t know about his work and don’t care. You don’t know what she talks about with her friends and don’t care. It’s so much effort to ask and pay attention that you might as well just talk about your child’s exposure to hand, foot and mouth disease at preschool. Might be time to make the call to a relationship therapist.

Relationship therapy can unravel some honesty issues.

When you keep secrets.

Each person in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you keep secrets from each other, something isn’t right.

When you contemplate (or are having) an affair.

Fantasising about an affair is a signal that you desire something different from what you currently have. While it is possible for a relationship to survive after one partner had an affair, it’s prudent to get some help before that happens. If both of you are committed to the therapy process and are being honest, the relationship may be salvaged. At the very least, you may both come to realize that it is healthier for both of you to move on.

When you are financially unfaithful.

Financial infidelity can be just as -– if not more -– damaging to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his or her spouse in the dark about spending or needs to control everything related to money, then the other should bring up the topic of family finances. It’s not unreasonable to say, “I want to better understand our monthly bills and budget, our debt, how many savings/checking/retirement accounts we have, etc.” If your partner objects, consult a professional to help work out the conflict.

Relationship therapy can assist you with your true feelings toward your partner.

You don’t respect your partner’s opinion.

In response to most things that they say, you roll your eyes, internally or outright. You genuinely think you are a better, more intelligent or have a more common sense approach, and you don’t take their opinion into consideration, probably never have if you’re honest with yourself. Or perhaps they feel and act this way about you.

You don’t feel attracted to your spouse.

Your partner looks relatively similar to when you met, but you feel no physical excitement or even a pleasant desire to touch them when they are around. You wonder if this is due to age, hormones changing, or the acid in your stomach that churns when you remember your list of resentments. It is probably that last one.

You love your partner, but something is just missing.

This is THE most difficult one. You don’t hate anything about your partner, but you don’t feel connected or close. You turn to best friends or your mum to share funny stories. You think about old boyfriends or girlfriends sometimes, or a lot. You know intellectually that your partner is a good person, but you’re Just Not Feeling It (either anymore, or sometimes you wonder if you ever did).

Most relationship and sex therapists know this simple fact- the sooner you seek out treatment, the faster you’ll feel better. It sounds obvious, but far too many people let their problems overwhelm them before getting help.

So why not take a relationship that is just okay and make it even better?
And work on the one that is not okay.

For a free 10 minute consultation
phone Christina on 0435 438 899

3d Illustration of tough decision ahead traffic sign

The reality of relationship counseling.

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We experience the ‘urge to merge’ when we think we have found a date who will become OUR mate. We find ourselves in a state of euphoria, a head over heels adrenaline rush, driven in part by Mother Nature, wanting us to procreate and sending Hormones that hijack the Head and affect the Heart. This is the time we don our rose coloured spectacles, idealising the other, whilst concurrently projecting our best self – aiming to be both ‘interesting and interested’. If observed by some more wise persons they might assume we were riding along, head in the clouds AND on square wheels.

However this period usually lasts no longer than 12-18 months. It is for this reason that the last and very important chapter in my book ‘The Really Useful Grown-Ups Guide to Dating & Mating’ is titled Deciding. Whether it has been seven months or seven years you might one day wonder what you are doing with This Person In This Relationship.

There is a rhythm to the ending of a marriage just like the rhythm of a courtship – only backward. You try to start again but get into blaming over and over. Finally you are both worn out, exhausted, hopeless. Then lawyers are called in to pick clean the corpses. The death has occurred much earlier.

                                                                                                    Erica Jong  How To Save Your Own Life

Different tracks

Some of us Drift along in relationships that are not really fulfilling, but they kind of work. Some of us Tolerate circumstances, possibly hoping things will change. Others Resent for a period of time, hoping it will get better, however, there is an old saying that you never stub your foot on a mountain, but, believe me, even small repeated resentments will become the Himalayas over time. Frequently couples wait to visit a therapist when they are at the Raging stage. Some want to discuss with the therapist whether the other’s intractability is at fault – and sometimes it might be. (There are Narcissists and Passive Aggressive personalities, to name but a couple, who can testing put it mildly,to cohabit with. The decision might then be do you resign yourself to living with the behaviour or do you leave?)

Whoops – we are off the rails

When the rose coloured spectacles do slip, and they almost always do, there can be the potential for disappointment on either-or both- sides. This can be the time couples, married or not, reassess their desire to cohabit. Once you Heart changes and you lose the desire to be in the relationship, its demise is almost inevitable, although your Head may well delay accepting that fact. Everything your partner now does may make you less happy, with insecurity, betrayal and anger creeping into your interactions.

This is often the time couples have a first visit to a relationship therapist or marriage guidance counsellor. Sadly though, much like a doctor cannot cure an incurable disease, a therapist cannot save a relationship when your heart has quit. While a therapist can help you examine your feelings only you can know your own emotions.

What do YOU really, really want?

In the book ‘Sacred Cows- ‘The Truth about Marriage and Divorce’ the authors suggest distressed couples examine their basic desires BEFORE seeking counselling. Imagine a Relationship Fairy appearing, complete with wand, able to fulfil your greatest desire about your current relationship. (Note – no wishes about money or eternal life – she is the Relationship Fairy after all!) No-one will know what you ask for so you can be totally honest.

Do you want your partner to agree regarding raising the kids, how to spend money, or whether your mother is a reasonable person. Or do you want the Relationship Fairy to cast amorous dust in your partner’s eyes, so they make passionate love when you walk through the door? Do you want your heart filled with love for your partner – or do you want them to run off with the tennis pro to Brazil??

Armed with your personal honest evaluation of your desires, you are better equipped to select the advice that best suits you. Or indeed to recognise that no self-help book, therapist or counsellor is going to save the current relationship.

Proviso Even when couples therapy might not bring resolution, don’t ignore therapy altogether – it can be beneficial in working through separation issues and ensure that patterns of relating are not being blindly followed with your next choice of partner.

Counselors, Therapists and Self-Help Books.

Therapists, and the millions of self-help books out theretend to fit into various camps. There are those who wish to reduce conflict and/or rekindle romance, those who suggest you fake it till you make it, that you are selfish if you consider separating and so on and so on ad nauseum.. However, all the conflict resolution in the world, the empathic listening and sharing, the sensate exercises dutifully carried out won’t help if your partner doesn’t love you, has an incompatible sexual orientation, or a personality disorder that you cannot live with. You can waste much time and money and heighten your frustration.

There are counselors who believe in saving marriages at any cost. Is this what you want and if not it might be wise to ask up-front

‘Do you believe your role is to assist Robin and I to become happier people, or to save our relationship?’”

A good counselor will assist you to repair a damaged relationship if that is what both individuals desire. They will also help you to decide whether being in this partnership is the right thing, right now and into the future, for you both. And if you want your relationship to flourish – and not flounder because of sexual glitches – seek guidance from a professional sex therapist. Google “sex therapist + (my town) and you’ll get a list of qualified professionals working under a strict Code of Ethics. You don’t need a referral from a GP.

I wish you what you wish for yourself