Background concept wordcloud illustration of impotence

8 Ways To Prevent ED

ED affects 40% of men older than 40 and 70% of those over 70

– but few seek help.

 

If you assess the number of ads promoting drugs that treat erectile dysfunction, or ED, you might believe that modern medicine has revolutionized men’s sexual performance, improved couples’ romantic lives and all but eradicated a disorder that was once only whispered about.

However, what the promotional material for drugs like Viagra tend to leave out is that ED has a much darker side:

It can herald cardiovascular trouble.

This is disturbing.  ED – defined as the inability to achieve or maintain erection for satisfactory sexual intercourse – is so common (over 40% of those over 40, and 70% over 70) yet relatively few men seek help for this and are therefore not being diagnosed with potential heart problems.

ED, It’s Not All in Your Head

Stress frequently is blamed for most cases of ED, hence the sometimes erroneous assumption that once the demands of modern life subside, “things” will invariably get back to normal. While anxiety, depression and stress can all contribute to it can also signal the presence of more ominous medical conditions, including pelvic trauma, nervous system disorders and diseased arteries.

Complicating matters further, ED often stems from several factors, and determining the main driver can be challenging. For example, a history of sexual frustration caused by an underlying organic disorder can lead to feelings of anxiety in subsequent sexual encounters, fuelling a vicious feedback loop.

E.D. and Your Heart

Vascular ED stems from poor blood flow inside arteries that have been hardened and narrowed by the build-up of fat and calcium deposits – a condition known as atherosclerosis, the main culprit behind heart attacks and strokes. Another cause of vascular ED is a condition known as endothelial dysfunction, which is marked by the inability of blood vessels to relax properly. The condition is caused by the insufficient release of an all-important chemical called nitric oxide, which is needed for blood vessel relaxation, the underlying mechanism of erection. Smoking, lack of physical activity, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol fuel both atherosclerosis and endothelial dysfunction.  This is why vascular ED can often signal the presence of processes that also lead to heart attack and stroke.

A 2013 Australian study of 95,000 men with no known heart problems found that those with severe ED had a 60 percent higher risk of developing heart disease and nearly twice the risk of dying compared with those without ED. Other studies have reaffirmed these findings. Research published earlier this year also showed a link between ED and dementia, a condition that often stems from diseased blood vessels in the brain.

Experts estimate that more than 40 percent of men with ED and risk factors for cardiovascular disease are unaware of their heart risk.

Because of the shared risk factors with cardiovascular disease, a diagnosis of vascular ED can signal the presence of atherosclerosis in other vessels, including the arteries of the heart. And the presence of atherosclerosis in those vessels boosts the risk of heart attack or stroke.

Thus, a diagnosis of vascular ED should be heeded as a warning bell, an alarm signalling there may be something wrong in the arteries.

If you already have ED.

Tell your doctor.

Social progress notwithstanding, ED still carries a stigma that can deter some men from discussing this problem. Let your doctor know about it, after all, there’s more at stake than your sex life. Your doctor will help determine the underlying cause of ED and, if necessary, refer you to a specialist for treatment.

A culprit in the medicine cabinet?

Some medications used to treat depression and high blood pressure can cause or exacerbate ED. Certain drugs used to treat heart disease, called nitrates, can make for a dangerous mix when used with an ED medication, as the combination can lead to a precipitous drop in blood pressure.

Get screened for heart disease.

ED may be the very first warning sign of cardiac trouble, even in the absence of other heart-related symptoms. Men with ED and no obvious causes, such as pelvic or neurologic disease, should be evaluated for underlying heart disease before starting ED treatment.

8 Ways to Promote Healthy Erectile Functioning.

1.   Quit smoking. Smoking worsens the function of the cells that line the walls of the arteries, and inflammation contributes to atherosclerosis. Nicotine causes blood vessels to constrict, which can reduce blood flow to the penis.

2.   Exercise regularly. Physical activity can reduce cardiovascular risk, lower stress and improve blood flow.

3.   Eat your way to a healthier heart and better sex life. The same diet that is good for the heart can also prevent ED. Opt for a menu rich in fruits, vegetables, lean protein and legumes, and low in processed and fatty foods.

4.   Maintain normal body weight. Being overweight can cause or worsen ED. Having a waist circumference above 40 inches is associated with lower testosterone, the main male sex hormone.

5.   Control blood pressure and cholesterol levels. These factors are not merely harbingers of heart attack and stroke – they can also cause sexual dysfunction.

6.    If you have diabetes, keep your blood sugar in check. At least half of men with diabetes experience ED symptoms. Controlling blood sugar can help prevent ED and improve symptoms in men who already have ED.

7.   Limit alcohol. You might think that alcohol might get you in the mood, but overindulging can limit sexual performance.

8.   Manage anxiety and stress. Talk to your doctor about healthy ways to manage stress and boost mental health. Consider seeing a mental health expert if things don’t get better.

 

For a confidential chat on the phone

please call Christina on 0435  438 899

 

 

Single man needing relationship counseling

Relationship Counseling For Singles

Relationship counseling is for singles too!!

  • Are you attracting Insignificant Others into your life?
  • Are these potential partners unavailable in one form or another. Why is this? What is going on?

OR

  • Are you in the same relationship situation you’ve been in before and want out?
  • Maybe you’re with a very similar person and it’s driving you crazy.

 

Patterns of Behaviour and Patterns of Relationships.

Relationship Counseling can help you highlight both previous Patterns of Behaviour and Patterns of Relationships.

It is only when we reflect on our other relationships – intimate and possibly non-intimate too- that we can begin to see the patterns of who we are and who we tend to become when we engage with others. We can gain insight if we purposely look at our behaviour – were we for instance jealous; generous; reliable; unreliable; dictatorial; a doormat. Have these behaviours worked for us in the past?

Similarly Relationship Counselling can help us reflect on our relationships and gain insight into the types of people we habitually get into relationships with. Have they tended to be with say intellectuals; addicts; commitophobes; committed to More Important Others (spouses, children, family, jealous cat) etc..

When you detect a pattern – or patterns and you realise that you’ve Done It To Yourself Again you may have an Aha moment all on your own and with a blinding flash of the bleeding obvious you see your ‘pattern’.

But most of us don’t. And our friends and loved ones either don’t see it – or don’t want to risk our wrath by pointing it out. This is where qualified relationship counseling gives insight and instruction.

If you are embarrassed at needing to ask a professional how to get more than a date, think of it like going to a chiropractor when your spine is misaligned. Sometimes we humans need help to get our inner selves straightened too.

Projections

A Relationship Counselor can point out your possible role of victim – a place of dis-empowerment where things happen to you – you are rootless, pushed about by the vagaries of the universe. In order to reclaim your power you need to work through the painful truth that you are giving out something which is attracting these categories of people into your life. If you give out different ‘vibes’ you attract a different potential Significant Other – the sort you really want to attract.

The Talmud states ‘We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are”

If you think of the mind as a projector, a video camera and our reality, our universe is the projection screen, then our history, our DNA is the film cam that records the experiences of life. We project all manner of things onto the projection screen – we project ourselves – particularly onto other people. When we discuss disparagingly another in Relationship Counselling we might be asked to consider what part of myself do I see in that individual? Painful – yes. Insightful – yes. You don’t do this work on your own!
Relationship Counseling encourages the reclaiming of projections and it starts to enable the reclaiming of power. If you able to reclaim your projection you can choose your projections and you can attract the people into your life that you desire, you have the power to change and create what you want.In Relationship Counseling with Singles, or those who are deciding to leave a relationship – or not-  it is important to dive into questions like:

What part of you is not available for a relationship?
What part of you doesn’t want to commit?

When you dive into these questions with the aid of a professional Relationship Counselor you can address what parts of you unconsciously give off signals that indicate you are not available for love, and you can allow yourself to attract those who want to commit to open their hearts to you.

After working with Relationship Counseling you hopefully will have a much clearer idea of who you want to have in your life, what kind of relationship you want with those individuals and how to revel in them!!

 

For a free Phone Conversation

please phone Christina on 0435 438 899

Gone were the days of emotional restraint.

Women do want sex

Women want sex for the sake of sex just as much as men, it’s just that they mostly don’t allow themselves to admit it. When they do, both men and women will be able to be more honest with one another and enjoy sex more!

Women are naturally sexual beings.

Allowing women to give themselves permission to be the fully sexual beings that they naturally are is a large part of the work as a sex therapist that I do.

It arises from the suppressed  nature of our male dominated society and it is one of the most important pieces of work a sex therapist can do with someone who has sexual issues.

In subtle and not so subtle ways our culture still tells us repeatedly  that women are allowed to be “sexy” – that is that they are permitted to evoke sexual desire (usually by looking a certain way which conforms with our society’s idea of idealised youth-centric beauty).

Meanwhile, men are given permission to be “sexual” – that is to act out their sexual impulses and to express them. This is seen so clearly not only in pornography but in the media imagery around women and their bodies.

Women’s internalised beliefs about sex

The sad thing is that men have done such a great job of suppressing female sexuality that most women have internalised the belief themselves. What, you may cry, not I! But ask yourself, do you really allow yourself to access your full desires? Do you dare to admit to yourself what you truly long for?

This denial of female sexuality means that both men and women suffer. When a woman disowns her sexuality it is all too common to project that out onto others. Sexually active women become sluts and men become “only interested in one thing” or labelled as lewd, base, sex obsessed perverts or, at worst, potential abusers.

Giving yourself permission to enjoy sex

One of the reasons for the success of 50 Shades is, I suspect, that it gives women permission to get in touch with some of those long suppressed desires. It is only a relatively recent myth that men want sex more than women. Until 200 years ago, it was believed that women needed to orgasm in order to get pregnant. Sadly modern science in the 19th century disapproved that wonderful idea and with it the importance of female sexual pleasure declined and women’s pleasure assumed a less important role.

My experience is that when a woman truly gets in touch with her desire, it is stronger than in most men. As a man, unless you’re trained in Taoist or tantric practices of retaining your ejaculation (or you’re 20 years old) once guys have ejaculated that’s usually them done for a bit. Women on the other hand, have the potential to have as many orgasms as they can handle.

This high libido caused men to fear the infidelity of their women and hence encourage the suppression of female sexuality. Most women have bought into this by believing that suppressing their desires to fit in a monogamous relationship is a fair trade for the supposed security it offers. Yet studies show that the numbers of women cheating in relationships is roughly the same as men.
The idea that women want emotional connection and men want physical sex is also a myth.

For a confidential FREE 10 minute

chat phone Christina on 0435 438 899

 

Man with cardboard box on his head and sad crying face expression. Concept of sadness and depression.

After the love has gone

Desire and the lack of it.

In attempting to understand our sexual selves we need to understand the nature of desire.

What is desire?

The basis of all desire is that most fundamental impulse to seek connection, whether this is a desire for sex or any other type of desire. While some may narcissistically love and enjoy themselves, no-one can desire themselves no matter how much they might want to.

All desire is a felt sense of longing for that which is “other” than us. If we already have it we cannot, desire it. We may enjoy owning it but we cannot desire it. Desire arises because of how we imagine we will feel within ourselves when we meet the object or our desire, whether that is another person, an event or an experience.

We might desire a glass of wine or a good meal – because we imagine how we will react when experiencing our tongue or taste buds interacting. We might long for contact with another person because of the emotions we experience when we are with them.

It is only through the experience of contrast, that is to say “I feel like this” and “You feel like that” that we can experience ourselves.

The stages of desire

We might say therefore that our desire for anything arises out of a desire for contact and from a yearning to feel the otherness of that contact. It is the space between us and the other which creates the desire, the longing to have contact with them or it. This is the first stage of the process of desire, that is, the experience of self through contrast with the other.

When we merge with the otherness, as it is possible to do in profound lovemaking, we cease to experience ourselves as unique individuals and we become one with the other. Our bodies move in rhythm, our breath synchronizes, our heart seem to beat as one. If we are lucky enough and in tune enough to orgasm together there may be a deep sense of melting into one another. This merging with the other is the second stage of desire.

So, on the one hand the nature of desire is to feel ourselves through the contrast with the otherness and on the other it is so that the felt otherness dissolves and we become one with the other.

This is the universal cycle – the rotation between separation and unity.

 

What Happens When There is Little or No Sexual Desire?

First a SEX Test.

  1.  Sex is more work than play
  2. Touching always leads to intercourse
  3.  Touching takes place only in the bedroom
  4.  You no longer look forward to making love
  5.  Sex doesn’t give you feelings of connection and sharing
  6.  You never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse
  7.  Sex is limited to a set time, like Saturday night or Sunday morning
  8.  One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressure
  9.  You look back on premarital sex as the best time
  10.  Sex has become mechanical and routine.

and

11  You have sex once or twice a month at most

( Barry & Emily McCarthy)

 

If you answered true to five plus statements, and /or true to 11. you possibly are in a low sex or no-sex relationship.

When sexuality is integral to the partnership, couples will generally be 15-20% more satisfied in their relationship.

However, when sexuality is dysfunctional or non-existent, sexuality assumes a very powerful role, impacting more than 50 – 70 % and the relationship suffers in decreased vitality and intimacy. Blaming and resentment build and the early positive feelings in a relationship are leached out.

Overcoming no-sex, low-sex relationships.

There are a myriad of factors leading to a no-sex or low-sex relationship. Sexual conflict can arise when one partner uses avoiding or withholding of sex as a weapon. Sometimes this is conscious, many times it is not.

Anger can involve a sexual issue (demand for oral sex, a revealed affair, conflict over birth control) but more frequently anger involves a relationship problem. Causes behind the anger might be excessive gambling, drinking, conflicts over spending, bringing up the kids, feeling taken advantage of etc.etc.. Increasing angry thoughts build on themselves with any attempts by The Other to bridge the emotional gap resulting in frustration, isolation and angry rebuffs. Emotional and sexual distance feed the viscous downward cycle.

Hidden agendas, fertility problems, conflict around frequency of intercourse and sexual dysfunction issues all can lead to low or no sexual desire.

It is therefore important to understand your patterns of behaviour, and to have a commitment to restoring intimacy and sexuality. It requires both of you as partners working together as an intimate team, whilst taking personal responsibility for your own fears, inhibitions and anxieties.

Couples willing to commit time and energy to breaking the sexual hiatus can again experience desire, again anticipating sexual encounters. They learn that being part of an intimate team creates and maintains desire, and that sex is more than intercourse and orgasm. When couples learn to be flexible, be open to varied sexual scenarios, be playful, erotic and sensual, they are much more likely to build a strong foundation for their overall relationship.

 

For a FREE 10 minute phone consultation

phone Christina on 0435 438 899

sensual and sexual red lips

Sensual AND sexual energies create the X Factor

Fast or slow sex?

Our whole culture tells us that we should do more, do it faster, do it now – not just in sex but also in everything we do. All these messages may lead us to feel that we should speed up and that packing in more experiences, more work, more play is good. In sex the opposite is more often true.

Instead of speeding up we would suggest that you would benefit much more from slowing down. Fast sex has a certain type of energy that can feel delicious on some occasions but overall we have found that slowing things down leads to much deeper and more authentic sex.

If we focus on speeding up sex we are in effect getting it over with as fast as possible. It is a strange contradiction about sex that whilst many people spend a huge amount of their time thinking about sex, when they are in a sexual experience most rush towards orgasm, which is actually the discharge of that sexual energy. It is as though they cannot wait to get rid of the sexual energy and stop feeling it in their system. The impulse of sexual desire seems for many people to move as fast as possible and therefore have sex end as soon as possible. This does not arise from the fact that these people are not enjoying sex, but rather because they feel unable to hold greater amounts of sexual energy.

The Build-up of Sexual Tension

You might imagine this as though a person’s sexual energy is like water. Imagine that the person has a container to hold their sexual energy. The container can only hold so much energy. Once it is full any extra energy would spill over and could not be contained. Most people only have a very small container for their sexual energy. If the energy they hold becomes more than they are used to, they may feel that it is “too much” and start to edit it or discharge it by having fast sex or by releasing the energy through orgasm and ejaculation, usually in the case of men.

Part of the process of learning to have more meaningful and authentic sex is to increase the size of your container. Size matters – but not the way portrayed in pornography. Do you know how you feel as you begin to allow more sexual energy into your system without rushing to discharge it? Again by being present with what is there in each moment you can become aware of more subtle sensations.

The tendency for most people is to chase orgasm and to get to that place as fast as possible. When we do this we feel the euphoric release of orgasm or ejaculation but if we have rushed to get there, the amount of pleasure we can feel will typically be small compared to what is possible. Imagine a balloon being filled with air. If we burst the balloon after a few breaths into it, when it bursts there will be a small pop. However if we fill the balloon to capacity before bursting it, there will be a satisfyingly large explosion since more pressure and tension has built up in the balloon.

The same is true of orgasm. The faster we reach orgasm, the less intense and satisfying it will be. By slowing down we give ourselves the possibility to increase the erotic tension and this will feel even more pleasurable when it is released. Building sexual energy slowly over time not only gives us more intense pleasure but also creates a heightened sense of anticipation.

The longer gratification is delayed the better it feels when we finally let ourselves go there. Long slow periods of bodily caress and foreplay build erotic tension. Focusing on the whole body and its pleasure moves the energy away from the genitals and incorporates the whole body into the experience of pleasure. Slowing down touch on the genitals themselves allows us to increase the erotic energy there before we let ourselves discharge it.

Slowing down not only increases the amount of erotic energy we are holding in our system but also gives us awareness of new and subtler levels of sexual feelings.

What is sex?

Sex is such a variety of activities, and the only thing they have in common is the energy that arises in us; the felt experience. As suggested, this energy can move from not being felt at all to a highly charged state. How does this happen? How do we create the flow of desire that allows us to experience sex as a process, happening over time? The clue is to look at the difference between sensual and sexual energy.

Sensual energy

Sensual energy refers to the experience arising from our senses; from smell, touch, taste, sound and a felt sense. Sensuality is a whole body experience in the sense that all body parts and all senses are able to experience pleasure, and a sensual experience is defined by creating a general sense of well-being. Because sensuality arises from the senses it is experienced in the moment, and it is an experience with no urge to ‘go anywhere’. This is why we can be sensual, ‘cuddly’ with our friends, pets and children, where sexual energy would be inappropriate. In relation to others, sensual energy is therefore first and foremost a connective energy. It brings us into embodied presence with the other, which creates a sense of well-being. Neurologically, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated, which makes us feel relaxed, loving and open.

Sexual energy

Sexual energy is different. Although sexual energy can be felt in the whole body, it has a specific focal point that gives it a particular quality. This focal point is mainly felt and experienced in the genitals, and even though other body parts can be stimulated, the main focus keeps returning to the genitals. Also, it is innately charged with an increasing intensity. Sexual energy gives us the feeling that it wants to “go somewhere”; it wants to peak in the orgasm and discharge the energy. Compared to sensual energy as embodied presence, sexual energy therefore feels much more goal oriented. In essence it is a drive. It is the life force energy that wants to express itself. Connection and pleasure of the moment becomes secondary to this urge for the ultimate pleasure. It can feel like the energy itself is taking over. We surrender, ultimately, to the orgasm; and in that we surrender to something greater than ourselves.

Fulfilling sex

Fulfilling sex consists of an interplay between sensual and sexual energies. It is embodied presence with the other as well as life force energy wanting to express itself in the ultimate surrender. If we think that sex is about genital contact until we orgasm, we get trapped in a reductive idea of sex. This is very much the reductive focus of pornography. Ultimately this deprives us from the pleasure and energetic connection that is authentically experienced in the moment. By consisting of sensual and sexual energies, sex can be a full body, connective experience of flow. For this to happen we need to allow both sensual and sexual energies to arise and be expressed. Sensuality gives us the connectivity, and sexuality gives us the urge to surrender.

For a free 10minute phone consultation

please phone Christina on 0435 438 899